Have I mentioned that I went to see my tarot reader a few weeks ago? I went to get a reading on my career because lately, it's been quite shitty. I've been pulling my hair out every single day because it seems NOTHING can go smoothly... there's ALWAYS something wrong. The fortune-teller assures me I have chosen the right career path and I'm meant to be in this industry
(FYI, if you are thinking of going into fashion/garments, you really need to think twice before you put your foot into the door. It's NOT as glamorous as people have imaged and definitely not as fun as the movies are depicting!). Anyways, I have been yelled by my customer for things that weren't even my fault. Since I'm in charge, I get the blame. Oh well... the cards said I need to slowly accumulate... "drip by drip" (The card actually had a picture of water dripping little by little into a well!) MY GOD...
Then, I figured, since I'm here, why not a reading on my non-existent love life? I swear that I wasn't even planned to ask about love because I heard if everything is still status quo, no need to ask. And I ended up asking...
I couldn't remember precisely what cards I got but I remembered the fortune-teller's expression when she opened the whole spread.
ALL SWORDS. She said,
"wow... all swords. It means you are way too analytical of everything around you." I got NINE OF SWORDS this time. She said this card is not a good card to get because there is still this massive pain in me. I disagreed,
"Well, last time you did a reading for me, I had TEN OF SWORDS! I think I'm getting better.... one less sword!! HAHA!" She laughed. She said I have to right attitude and she believes slowly, my cards will start to rid SWORDS and will have more positive cards in the spread.
The reason I have so much swords in my spread, she explained, is I am fencing myself off to ANY outside factors, be it new people, new environments, or even new opportunities. It's like I'm frozen in a block of ice. People can see me, but they can't touch me. In another words, I've been scarred and I'm afraid people will wound me again. Now, the cards's advice to me is I need to break out of my shield. I can't hide myself just because I am afraid to get hurt again.
She said in the cards, she can see that there are potential guys trying to approach me but as soon as they sense the bitterness and sorrow in me, they head the other way.
(Wow... maybe my bitterness was really overpowering... like a skunk walking outside on the sidewalk and still stinks up the whole entire house!!) She said I am getting better but I need to open up a lot more in order to welcome people in my life. Putting fence all around me is not going to help at all.
It is wayyyyyyyyyy harder to do. As soon as there are guys looking at me or even try to make a conversation with me, I will be like (in my head, of course),
"WHAT?! What do you want? What are you trying to do? What's your motive? Are you trying to steal something from me? Why are you being so nice??!! Don't you sweet-talk me. I don't buy that bullshit." See? It's like I have an uncontrollable defense mechanism... She suggested I should STOP analyzing... just go with the flow. Don't be so over-protective of myself.
This is real challenge. I don't even know if I will EVER completely open up to the way I used to. Pouring your guts out to someone takes a lot of trust. I used to have that trust but I don't seem to have it anymore. And I really don't think I will ever regain that. I know even if I ever meet a guy, I'm going to keep some distance because
"the only constant in life is change". No one can guarantee they can stand by you forever.
Nonetheless, I will still try to make a difference in me. I think if I put some dedication in opening myself, I might be able to shed some bitterness. I know I eventually can do that... but it just takes time.
source: weheartit
