It's been a long while since I blogged.  Boyfriend is still in the States being with his parents, helping his parents recover and they are doing well and almost fully-recovered.  Just need physio-therapies every now and then.  The trip to meet his family was very fun.  His family is so friendly and welcoming.  It eased my anxiety a lot.  I realize having your boyfriend's family love + welcome is very comforting.  After my past experience, having a good relationship with your boyfriend's family is very crucial and I also realize it really doesn't need too much work.  No need to force.  It should come naturally.  They all welcomed me with open arms and I'm very grateful for it.  Traveling to his hometown alone for the first time and be with his family (who were also strangers) was very intimidating at first.  I was pretty antsy the day before flying off to see him.  I guess stepping out of my comfort zone is very intimidating .... but he comforted me the day before...

"If you don't step out of your comfort zone, you will never know how much fun there is outside waiting for you."

Just in case you are wondering....

I'm currently in Vancouver to visit my friends and family  (Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!) ...

... and I'm going to fly out to Phoenix to see my boyfriend and "meet the parents (and all his relatives)" on Wednesday.

Serious?  Yes.

Excited?  Yes.

Nervous?  Yes.

Freaking out?  CURRENTLY, YES.


Wish me luck~  <3

We had our first big argument last night.  I said something in a joking way the day before to tease him but he took it as my misunderstanding to his character.  I then took it personally of him saying my mindset is not being mature... somewhat "rudimentary".  It goes on and on.  We didn't even argue on the phone this whole time but only through texting yesterday.  He said he didn't feel he understands me.  I told him we only knew each other 4 months before he had to leave and we currently only passed 2 of the 4 months of separation.  The foundation was not solid enough and we didn't have much time to spend with each other just prior to departure.  He said that's not good enough of a reason.  Then he started to reason with me.  I am an emotional person... and I am not good at negotiating and reasoning.  I just didn't know how to counter what he said because I know he is right but at the same time, I feel he is being harsh on how he wants me to be.  I started to say things sarcastically "I will watch what I want to say to you from now.  I will filter it before coming out of my mouth."  He said he doesn't want to have a relationship where we cannot talk freely to each other and tell each other how we feel.  I want that too but I don't want the same argument again.  I am a very straightforward person.  I have no filters.  And I thought he would understand by now but now I know he is not a mind-reader and surely he didn't agree with my way of communication.  He said he is disappointed in me, doubting our relationship and how he didn't understand me.

It came to a point where I felt there was really no point in continuing this conversation.  And I asked,

"So... you don't want us anymore?"

After sent that message, my tear came down.  I shouldn't ask that question because I was so afraid to see his reply.  He paused.  My heart was pounding out of my chest but at the same time, I was so drained.  It was 2:45am at that time.

"I do want this... I want US to have a relationship where we both can say what we want and how we feel.  When we text, a lot of meaning gets lost in the mere letters on the screen."

I immediately turned on FaceTime to see him.  He saw I was crying my eyes out and he was quite shocked.

"I still love you, don't worry."  That's the first thing he said on FaceTime.   We both agreed that texting can lead to misunderstanding.  If possible, we should facetime or skype instead, and leave the texting at other times where these 2 options are not possible.  He feels we are both getting a little depressed to be apart for some time.

After all these, it kind of shakes me up that I have to be more strong and independent.  He said he doesn't want me to rely on him and be too dependent.  He wants to build a family while both him and I are strong and brave examples for our kids.

I start to question if I am the person for him.... or the kind of girl he is looking for.  He wants a "business partner-like" woman, where she has complete focus on building her work and having a strong sense of direction of where she wants to be.  I, on the other hand, am a typical Pisces... where I want to be protected and follow my man through thick and thin to support him... building a family based on my love for him and care for my children.  Career and other things will have to take a back seat.

This revelation makes me sad but at the same time, I finally know what I want.  I haven't talked to him the entire day today yet.  He didn't go online and I didn't chase him.  I think after last night, I can feel he  starts to wonder if I'm the one he is looking for and I start to doubt if I am someone suitable for him.

I don't know how things will go.  I will take it day by day.  Tomorrow will mark the 6th month of being together.

It's Christmas Eve here in Hong Kong.  Wish you all a very merry Christmas.

My boyfriend finally bought his flight ticket.  Originally he wanted to buy a return ticket for returning in April... but then after discussing with his parents, he feels it's best to get a one-way ticket.  I hate the thought of one-way ticket.  It just makes me sad.  But then I have to remind myself, this is the correct thing to do, this is a correct thing to do, this is a correct thing to do...

He is leaving on the 7th of December (as his father's surgery is mid December) and he said he is still planning to come back in April, given his father's condition is more stable by then.  He said if he get a one-way ticket and when it is OK, he can return earlier and just buy a ticket and go.

Anyways, I'm trying to see when my schedule allows for me to go visit him in Phoenix.  Most likely in mid March because my best friend's wedding is in early March... so as a maid of honor, I've got to be here.  

I think having a long distance relationship, it's best and crucial to have a return date to look forward to.  I failed last time because I didn't even have a return date.  This time, I want him to give me a time of return... even though it might be tentative, but at least I have something we both can look forward to.

I just hope his father can recover very very soon.

I have been living under loud loud renovation noises for over a month already.  I'm going insane soon.  Both my neighbors... upstairs AND down were moving out, their flats are now BOTH renovating.  At work, the building itself is doing some renovations as well.  I'm going crazy soon.  Until I find my peace of mind... or at least they stop the renovation process.... I will be back.  I can't even seem to go through a day without feeling sooooooooo irritated and sooooooooo draining these days.  So, apologies if I have been hiding in my shell for a bit.  I can't think straight... with these heavy drilling and hammering noises.  I guess, that's the fun of living in Hong Kong.

I'm about to bite someone...

Have I mentioned that I went to see my tarot reader a few weeks ago?  I went to get a reading on my career because lately, it's been quite shitty.  I've been pulling my hair out every single day because it seems NOTHING can go smoothly... there's ALWAYS something wrong.  The fortune-teller assures me I have chosen the right career path and I'm meant to be in this industry (FYI, if you are thinking of going into fashion/garments, you really need to think twice before you put your foot into the door.  It's NOT as glamorous as people have imaged and definitely not as fun as the movies are depicting!).  Anyways, I have been yelled by my customer for things that weren't even my fault.  Since I'm in charge, I get the blame.  Oh well... the cards said I need to slowly accumulate... "drip by drip" (The card actually had a picture of water dripping little by little into a well!)  MY GOD...

Then, I figured, since I'm here, why not a reading on my non-existent love life?   I swear that I wasn't even planned to ask about love because I heard if everything is still status quo, no need to ask.  And I ended up asking...

I couldn't remember precisely what cards I got but I remembered the fortune-teller's expression when she opened the whole spread.  ALL SWORDS.  She said, "wow... all swords.  It means you are way too analytical of everything around you."  I got NINE OF SWORDS this time.  She said this card is not a good card to get because there is still this massive pain in me.  I disagreed, "Well, last time you did a reading for me, I had TEN OF SWORDS!  I think I'm getting better.... one less sword!! HAHA!"  She laughed.  She said I have to right attitude and she believes slowly, my cards will start to rid SWORDS and will have more positive cards in the spread.

The reason I have so much swords in my spread, she explained, is I am fencing myself off to ANY outside factors, be it new people, new environments, or even new opportunities.  It's like I'm frozen in a  block of ice.  People can see me, but they can't touch me.  In another words, I've been scarred and I'm afraid people will wound me again.  Now, the cards's advice to me is I need to break out of my shield.  I can't hide myself just because I am afraid to get hurt again.

She said in the cards, she can see that there are potential guys trying to approach me but as soon as they sense the bitterness and sorrow in me, they head the other way.   (Wow... maybe my bitterness was really overpowering... like a skunk walking outside on the sidewalk and still stinks up the whole entire house!!)  She said I am getting better but I need to open up a lot more in order to welcome people in my life.  Putting fence all around me is not going to help at all.

It is wayyyyyyyyyy harder to do.  As soon as there are guys looking at me or even try to make a conversation with me, I will be like (in my head, of course), "WHAT?!  What do you want?  What are you trying to do?  What's your motive?  Are you trying to steal something from me?  Why are you being so nice??!! Don't you sweet-talk me.  I don't buy that bullshit."  See? It's like I have an uncontrollable defense mechanism...   She suggested I should STOP analyzing... just go with the flow.  Don't be so over-protective of myself.

This is real challenge.  I don't even know if I will EVER completely open up to the way I used to.  Pouring your guts out to someone takes a lot of trust.  I used to have that trust but I don't seem to have it anymore.  And I really don't think I will ever regain that.  I know even if I ever meet a guy, I'm going to keep some distance because "the only constant in life is change".  No one can guarantee they can stand by you forever.

Nonetheless, I will still try to make a difference in me.  I think if I put some dedication in opening myself,  I might be able to shed some bitterness.  I know I eventually can do that... but it just takes time.

Didn't realize I have not blogged for more than a month.  There were so many things happened and still happening (didn't realize Blogger's interface has changed neither!) ... mainly BIG THINGS.  I think these mark a brand new chapter in my life.

Work have been overwhelming... client after client... and then my brother came to visit... and then my best friend will fly here from Toronto for a very short trip and we will meet up this weekend. I can't wait for the irrational shopping begins! When 2 major shopaholics meet, the world will explode or something... Consider that as a warning.

Stupid sudden weather changes... I'm sick. Be back up on my feet when I kick this fever/cold/flu/headache/bodyache/grogginess...

Then came the bad things... my grandpa fainted in the park while he was out having a stroll with my grandma. My grandma was so scared which she almost had a panic attack. Good thing their caretake knows how to do CPR and able to save my grandpa. The day after this incident, my aunt told me my cousin has hysteromyoma and the doctor needs to do a biopsy on the tumor to see if it was malignant or not. However, the doctor said it is most likely malignant due to its size. My cousin was brave and said it's really nothing as a lot of women go through it. I'm proud of her. She will need to go into detailed analysis in order to determine the course of treatment.

I have been having annual check after my lumpectomy a few years ago. The doctor said it was necessary to have annual check just to make sure. And the day of my annual check, I will usually feel very nervous. Will the doctor find something this time? Will I need to go through surgery again? It freaks me out every single time. Good thing that this year, my "existing" ones are still the same size so as long as I keep a 6-month check, then it will be safer. Phew! Because it was a woman's health centre, it was crowded with pregnant ladies with their husbands, coming for checkups. I was, of course, being assumed I was "one of them". One of the pregnant mom asked, "are you having a prenatal check as well?" I replied with a smile, "No. I'm just here for a body check". I wanted to say, "I don't have a baby, I have tumors."

I do admit I feel sad and alone. Surrounding by pregnant moms with their loving husband treating them like they are the most precious thing on Earth. And there I am, facing the fear of my life alone. Although I have been to this annual check for 2 years already, I still feel scare everytime. Back then, I wish my ex could have been there to accompany me... but who am I kidding... he was in Vancouver. Then after the breakup, I decided to go alone without anyone. No one can help you anyways and you are the one who has to deal with it. I figure if I'm not fortunate enough to find someone who treats me like "I'm the most precious thing on Earth", I better treat myself like "I'm the most precious thing on Earth".

Tomorrow is the Chinese New Year. I wish you all a very happy year of Dragon and I hope it will bring you all love, and most important of all, good health!