It's been a long while since I blogged.  Boyfriend is still in the States being with his parents, helping his parents recover and they are doing well and almost fully-recovered.  Just need physio-therapies every now and then.  The trip to meet his family was very fun.  His family is so friendly and welcoming.  It eased my anxiety a lot.  I realize having your boyfriend's family love + welcome is very comforting.  After my past experience, having a good relationship with your boyfriend's family is very crucial and I also realize it really doesn't need too much work.  No need to force.  It should come naturally.  They all welcomed me with open arms and I'm very grateful for it.  Traveling to his hometown alone for the first time and be with his family (who were also strangers) was very intimidating at first.  I was pretty antsy the day before flying off to see him.  I guess stepping out of my comfort zone is very intimidating .... but he comforted me the day before...

"If you don't step out of your comfort zone, you will never know how much fun there is outside waiting for you."

Just in case you are wondering....

I'm currently in Vancouver to visit my friends and family  (Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!) ...

... and I'm going to fly out to Phoenix to see my boyfriend and "meet the parents (and all his relatives)" on Wednesday.

Serious?  Yes.

Excited?  Yes.

Nervous?  Yes.

Freaking out?  CURRENTLY, YES.


Wish me luck~  <3

We had our first big argument last night.  I said something in a joking way the day before to tease him but he took it as my misunderstanding to his character.  I then took it personally of him saying my mindset is not being mature... somewhat "rudimentary".  It goes on and on.  We didn't even argue on the phone this whole time but only through texting yesterday.  He said he didn't feel he understands me.  I told him we only knew each other 4 months before he had to leave and we currently only passed 2 of the 4 months of separation.  The foundation was not solid enough and we didn't have much time to spend with each other just prior to departure.  He said that's not good enough of a reason.  Then he started to reason with me.  I am an emotional person... and I am not good at negotiating and reasoning.  I just didn't know how to counter what he said because I know he is right but at the same time, I feel he is being harsh on how he wants me to be.  I started to say things sarcastically "I will watch what I want to say to you from now.  I will filter it before coming out of my mouth."  He said he doesn't want to have a relationship where we cannot talk freely to each other and tell each other how we feel.  I want that too but I don't want the same argument again.  I am a very straightforward person.  I have no filters.  And I thought he would understand by now but now I know he is not a mind-reader and surely he didn't agree with my way of communication.  He said he is disappointed in me, doubting our relationship and how he didn't understand me.

It came to a point where I felt there was really no point in continuing this conversation.  And I asked,

"So... you don't want us anymore?"

After sent that message, my tear came down.  I shouldn't ask that question because I was so afraid to see his reply.  He paused.  My heart was pounding out of my chest but at the same time, I was so drained.  It was 2:45am at that time.

"I do want this... I want US to have a relationship where we both can say what we want and how we feel.  When we text, a lot of meaning gets lost in the mere letters on the screen."

I immediately turned on FaceTime to see him.  He saw I was crying my eyes out and he was quite shocked.

"I still love you, don't worry."  That's the first thing he said on FaceTime.   We both agreed that texting can lead to misunderstanding.  If possible, we should facetime or skype instead, and leave the texting at other times where these 2 options are not possible.  He feels we are both getting a little depressed to be apart for some time.

After all these, it kind of shakes me up that I have to be more strong and independent.  He said he doesn't want me to rely on him and be too dependent.  He wants to build a family while both him and I are strong and brave examples for our kids.

I start to question if I am the person for him.... or the kind of girl he is looking for.  He wants a "business partner-like" woman, where she has complete focus on building her work and having a strong sense of direction of where she wants to be.  I, on the other hand, am a typical Pisces... where I want to be protected and follow my man through thick and thin to support him... building a family based on my love for him and care for my children.  Career and other things will have to take a back seat.

This revelation makes me sad but at the same time, I finally know what I want.  I haven't talked to him the entire day today yet.  He didn't go online and I didn't chase him.  I think after last night, I can feel he  starts to wonder if I'm the one he is looking for and I start to doubt if I am someone suitable for him.

I don't know how things will go.  I will take it day by day.  Tomorrow will mark the 6th month of being together.