A couple days ago was my ex's birthday. I sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. He replied and wished me a happy holiday and stuff.
It felt weird. Somewhat uncomfortable.
Not because this is the first time he texted me since our break, but that we no longer address each other with our endeared nicknames. Now, he just addressed my first name. I realized I didn't like it... I really didn't like it at all. It felt so distant as if we are strangers... or just normal acquaintances where you can't even call each other "friend". I didn't expect that. I thought he would still call me "babe" or something along that line. I messaged him back after his reply to wish him a happy new year (to see if he would "babe" me back) but he didn't reply after. After being so close together for years and all of a sudden, I'm just a "regular first name" threw me off quite a bit. I guess this is the kind of tiny things that I didn't prepare myself for after the breakup. Hurts? Yes, but then I do understand this is part of the deal (more like ordeal), and it takes time getting used to. Perhaps he is afraid that I'll be crawling my way back to him like a recurring rash or pesky parasite. Perhaps he didn't even want me as a friend.
But still, I'd like to know that at least I meant something to him.
Got some news of my old "crush" (I don't even know how to address him because we were never official) from a friend of mine. He just broke up with his girlfriend recently. He and his girlfriend become official just months prior to my breakup. And now, his girlfriend left him. I used to love him so much back in school but now, I feel like "eh~~ "
Apparently, he had curled up and hid away from everybody for months. He was being very rude to my friend when she asked him how he's doing and ignored all phone calls from friends. He is much weaker and fragile than I thought. Absolutely not as strong as he looks. My friend said he is a very stubborn person and when his mind is set, he will do everything to make you change your mind to accommodate his ideas. (Typical TAURUS... liked 3 guys in the past, 2 out of 3 are Taurus... sigh... it's hard to deal with them) I guess he just couldn't face the trauma.
In a way, I'm glad things didn't work out between us back then... Just like what my friend said "you never know... I remember you were devastated back then ... I guess sometimes things just work out for the best! "
I couldn't believe it more. If I were with him, I bet I would feel so suffocated being controlled and we definitely would not last long.... but then I can't help but wonder, would I actually shape myself to accommodate all his wishes?
(Maybe I would... just maybe... if I love him enough.)
Is it normal that now when I listen to cheery love songs (you know, those sing about how GREAT love is and how rosy everything is...), I think it is just sweet-talking or even just a lie? I feel like I don't believe in these lovey-dovey songs anymore.
The most interesting thing I learned from my friend last night,
"In a relationship, a man's and a woman's value goes the opposite direction as time goes by. Man will work hard to get the attention and love of the woman he desires. Man's value at this time is much lower than woman. As he finally secures his woman and if his woman falls totally in love with him, woman's value starts to depreciate because she will automatically starts to think and plan for the man instead of herself first. They will no doubt put their man on their priority. Man, at this time, has an appreciated value, and continue to be when they start to build a family. The more children the woman produces, the more depreciated she will become because then the children will mean a lot more to the man than the woman."
This theory is so harsh, yet so blatantly true. It makes me think twice before putting a man as my top priority now. I used to prioritize all my ex's needs and depreciated my own in order to make him happy... and then not being appreciated because he had too much on his own plate... it made all my effort meaningless. I don't blame him because after all, he has some VERY complicated emotional issues and I don't think I was and will ever be a part of his future planning. Therefore, as I was waiting and expecting a future with him, and he never really wanted a future with me, it's like waiting for a bus that will never come. I could get frustrated all I want but "it's not gonna happen". So why don't I let go?
I love talking to my closest friends... they can analyze all the nitty-gritty aspects of my relationship and I feel so good after by just pouring everything out. They made me realize there's no point in hoping for something that it's not designated for me and not suitable for me. And frankly, I don't think I will ever be cut out for the complexity that follows if we actually continue. I will only get more and more exhausted. I depreciated myself where I became a girl with no self goals. What makes him happy, makes me happy. When we started to date, he always said what made me happy, made him happy. I didn't realize I lost myself so much throughout these 4 years.
All along, I was just in denial by seeing everything as hunky-dory, and everything could be resolved. It wasn't. I knew it back then but I just chose to ignore it. Now, I can feel that I'm on the right track to build myself back up again. I no longer yearn to be back with my ex.
I have no problem to befriend with him... that is, if he wants to.
Started a blog years ago when she was single. She dropped her blog because she found love. Now freshly single recently, she decides to start another blog to vent about her breakup. After all, blogs are easier to start and maintain... but that is not the same for relationship...
(and perhaps fashion?)
