Was planning to squeeze a little getaway with boyfriend before he leaves. We planned to go to Okinawa, Japan for a 3 days 2 nights mini trip. Hot damn... it was more than USD1200!! Needless to say, we got to cancel.
Soooooo disappointed. I shouldn't have worked up my expectations... I find a lot of the times, I tend to work up such a high expectation and dream about a perfect scenario... but then when things didn't work out or go as planned, I will fall hard on my own disappointment.
I really need to change this tendency of mine. I got to keep everything light so when it doesn't go according to plan, I wouldn't be bummed out.
Boyfriend is now thinking of a mini LOCAL trip instead... sigh....
source: weheartit
I have been living under loud loud renovation noises for over a month already. I'm going insane soon. Both my neighbors... upstairs AND down were moving out, their flats are now BOTH renovating. At work, the building itself is doing some renovations as well. I'm going crazy soon. Until I find my peace of mind... or at least they stop the renovation process.... I will be back. I can't even seem to go through a day without feeling sooooooooo irritated and sooooooooo draining these days. So, apologies if I have been hiding in my shell for a bit. I can't think straight... with these heavy drilling and hammering noises. I guess, that's the fun of living in Hong Kong.
I'm about to bite someone...
source: weheartit
source: weheartit
I'm still here... in case you are wondering.
I pulled my neck recently this week and the pain has been traveling down my left shoulder... and it was really a "pain in the neck" to sleep at night. Pun intended. The pain kept waking me up.
Then prior to my neck, my dog was sick last week and had diarrhea AND vomited a few times... so cleaning after him was another "pain in the neck". Took him to the vet and he felt better now after a week... so expensive to see the vet... oh well, good thing he is better.
One of my clients has been negotiating on the prices every single day... POINTLESSLY ... so annoying... it's like either you pay, or you don't. Don't propose all these unreasonable offers to waste my time...
Needless to say, my mood for these 2 weeks has plummeted.
But... I'm proud to say... I still have no relapse, despite my mood wasn't and isn't the greatest... because my relapses always love to kick me when I'm down. I think I'm really done so even the relapse comes, I can just brush it off my shoulder... my painful shoulder.
source: weheartit
I'm currently still in Vancouver, savoring my last bit of relaxation and absorbing as much "social contact" as possible because after I leave, harsh reality will kick in. I have been dining out every single day with different people in different places and I have never felt happier and free... like my old self.... when everything was just fun and games. I really appreciate all my good friends making an effort to come out to see me (even just for a quick coffee). I know they are very busy with work and home life but they have been very nice and accommodate my schedule. My schedule has been fully packed everyday. I'm going to miss all of them. I knew that when I'm back, I have to go back to work and "responsibilities" mode but I'm starting to see the productive side of it. We all need to have our positions and responsibilities to fulfill and I now see the importance to stick with them and truck through because that define who we are. Everyone seems to have moved on and it is crucial that I should open a new chapter in my life and start to enjoy it.
My normal week consists of WORK-REST, WORK-REST, WORK-REST with little yoga sessions stuck in between.
I start to wonder is there more to life than just WAKE UP, WORK, REST?? Life is so pointless if we live just to work day in and day out. I was discussing this with my mom last night. I feel like I need something more than just work. I want to have fun... and not just after-work dinner with friends when we are all tired as hell. I yearn to have the same type of freedom when I was back in Vancouver, where I can drive to a beach and just sit there for a couple hours looking over to the other shore... or walking around and browsing in the fresh markets to buy groceries and fresh flowers and pastries... doing dine-outs with good friends on weeknights... or going to friends' backyard BBQs on weekend... grab a cup of coffee while shopping...etc.
Then my mom said something that just hit me...
"If you don't work hard, how can you do all the things you just said? All the things you did back in Vancouver was with our money so even when you were doing internships and part-times, those weren't real jobs. What you are doing now is really what other people are doing.... WORK. You are really WORKING now."
Sigh, work is not fun. Work takes a lot out of you (at least it took the 'carefree' out of me). I guess in order for me to be able to do what I used to do, I need to support it with money... and LOTS of it. My friends who recently came to visit me from Vancouver said I seem to have changed a bit. They feel like I am not as "ditzy" as before but now more mature. I guess not only am I growing into 30's, I feel the pressure of responsibilities on my shoulders as well. I can't be as carefree and idealistic as before. I understand that things cannot always go my way and I have to learn to accept it. Things cannot be forced and I need to learn to take them as they are. I don't know if work has changed me into a better and mature person, or changed me into a no-fun and mundane person...
I wish I can be 26 again...
source: weheartit
source: weheartit
I find I have nothing to say...
Without a relationship, I have nothing to say. It seems like my identity or my thoughts are shaped by the presence of a relationship or lack thereof. After the "lack thereof", I have nothing. I'm back to a "blank state". I have nothing in the "love compartment" in my brain. I guess this is the time where you start off fresh and put new things in again?
But I don't seem to want to put anything in and I have no courage to put things in there again. I kind of like the serenity of my current "spotless mind". No disappointment, no sadness. No need to worry if it will hurt again, no need to worry if promises will be broken again... in a way, this is easier for the mind.
I guess not doing anything saves you from doing it wrong, right?
source: weheartit
Yes, I'm learning to live this way everyday. I'm living towards finding my next relationship, and not living to escape my past relationship. I never really expect there's a difference. But there is.
Ugh.. it's TGIF but I'm feeling quite lethargic. Actually it takes a lot out of me to write this post. I have no idea why I'm so deflated right now....
I guess...
- Work is hitting walls everywhere.
- Work-related people are stupid and unreasonable.
- Everything related to work seems to go into a mess.
- I have a swollen big toe... dunno why...
- I'm OK with being single but I miss the sense of intimacy and closeness with someone.
- I wish I have a shoulder to lean on but I know that shoulder is not coming anytime soon.
- I actually want to cry but I don't want to at the same time. That is weird.
- I'm exhausted... mentally.
- And I just ate a chocolate-glazed donuts with soy milk... and I feel guilty for my constant food cravings.
- I feel like my ass's cellulite is spreading as I'm writing this.
I wouldn't say I feel depressed all the time (well... not referring to the period of post-breakup, of course) but when things are going the way it is right now, I feel like a deflated balloon. I yearn to just go bear-hug someone and just drape myself over that person. I love that feeling. It's like a koala hanging onto a tree. I miss that. A lot.
But then part of me is warning me not to be dependent again. EVER.... because you never know when that person you draped over is going to walk away. It's more exhausting than I expect to be independent... and learning to be strong.
CRUD... I feel like grabbing another chocolate glazed donut ...
source: weheartit
