It's been a long while since I blogged.  Boyfriend is still in the States being with his parents, helping his parents recover and they are doing well and almost fully-recovered.  Just need physio-therapies every now and then.  The trip to meet his family was very fun.  His family is so friendly and welcoming.  It eased my anxiety a lot.  I realize having your boyfriend's family love + welcome is very comforting.  After my past experience, having a good relationship with your boyfriend's family is very crucial and I also realize it really doesn't need too much work.  No need to force.  It should come naturally.  They all welcomed me with open arms and I'm very grateful for it.  Traveling to his hometown alone for the first time and be with his family (who were also strangers) was very intimidating at first.  I was pretty antsy the day before flying off to see him.  I guess stepping out of my comfort zone is very intimidating .... but he comforted me the day before...

"If you don't step out of your comfort zone, you will never know how much fun there is outside waiting for you."

Just in case you are wondering....

I'm currently in Vancouver to visit my friends and family  (Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!) ...

... and I'm going to fly out to Phoenix to see my boyfriend and "meet the parents (and all his relatives)" on Wednesday.

Serious?  Yes.

Excited?  Yes.

Nervous?  Yes.

Freaking out?  CURRENTLY, YES.


Wish me luck~  <3

We had our first big argument last night.  I said something in a joking way the day before to tease him but he took it as my misunderstanding to his character.  I then took it personally of him saying my mindset is not being mature... somewhat "rudimentary".  It goes on and on.  We didn't even argue on the phone this whole time but only through texting yesterday.  He said he didn't feel he understands me.  I told him we only knew each other 4 months before he had to leave and we currently only passed 2 of the 4 months of separation.  The foundation was not solid enough and we didn't have much time to spend with each other just prior to departure.  He said that's not good enough of a reason.  Then he started to reason with me.  I am an emotional person... and I am not good at negotiating and reasoning.  I just didn't know how to counter what he said because I know he is right but at the same time, I feel he is being harsh on how he wants me to be.  I started to say things sarcastically "I will watch what I want to say to you from now.  I will filter it before coming out of my mouth."  He said he doesn't want to have a relationship where we cannot talk freely to each other and tell each other how we feel.  I want that too but I don't want the same argument again.  I am a very straightforward person.  I have no filters.  And I thought he would understand by now but now I know he is not a mind-reader and surely he didn't agree with my way of communication.  He said he is disappointed in me, doubting our relationship and how he didn't understand me.

It came to a point where I felt there was really no point in continuing this conversation.  And I asked,

"So... you don't want us anymore?"

After sent that message, my tear came down.  I shouldn't ask that question because I was so afraid to see his reply.  He paused.  My heart was pounding out of my chest but at the same time, I was so drained.  It was 2:45am at that time.

"I do want this... I want US to have a relationship where we both can say what we want and how we feel.  When we text, a lot of meaning gets lost in the mere letters on the screen."

I immediately turned on FaceTime to see him.  He saw I was crying my eyes out and he was quite shocked.

"I still love you, don't worry."  That's the first thing he said on FaceTime.   We both agreed that texting can lead to misunderstanding.  If possible, we should facetime or skype instead, and leave the texting at other times where these 2 options are not possible.  He feels we are both getting a little depressed to be apart for some time.

After all these, it kind of shakes me up that I have to be more strong and independent.  He said he doesn't want me to rely on him and be too dependent.  He wants to build a family while both him and I are strong and brave examples for our kids.

I start to question if I am the person for him.... or the kind of girl he is looking for.  He wants a "business partner-like" woman, where she has complete focus on building her work and having a strong sense of direction of where she wants to be.  I, on the other hand, am a typical Pisces... where I want to be protected and follow my man through thick and thin to support him... building a family based on my love for him and care for my children.  Career and other things will have to take a back seat.

This revelation makes me sad but at the same time, I finally know what I want.  I haven't talked to him the entire day today yet.  He didn't go online and I didn't chase him.  I think after last night, I can feel he  starts to wonder if I'm the one he is looking for and I start to doubt if I am someone suitable for him.

I don't know how things will go.  I will take it day by day.  Tomorrow will mark the 6th month of being together.

It's Christmas Eve here in Hong Kong.  Wish you all a very merry Christmas.

My boyfriend finally bought his flight ticket.  Originally he wanted to buy a return ticket for returning in April... but then after discussing with his parents, he feels it's best to get a one-way ticket.  I hate the thought of one-way ticket.  It just makes me sad.  But then I have to remind myself, this is the correct thing to do, this is a correct thing to do, this is a correct thing to do...

He is leaving on the 7th of December (as his father's surgery is mid December) and he said he is still planning to come back in April, given his father's condition is more stable by then.  He said if he get a one-way ticket and when it is OK, he can return earlier and just buy a ticket and go.

Anyways, I'm trying to see when my schedule allows for me to go visit him in Phoenix.  Most likely in mid March because my best friend's wedding is in early March... so as a maid of honor, I've got to be here.  

I think having a long distance relationship, it's best and crucial to have a return date to look forward to.  I failed last time because I didn't even have a return date.  This time, I want him to give me a time of return... even though it might be tentative, but at least I have something we both can look forward to.

I just hope his father can recover very very soon.

Hi, I'm still here.  And my boyfriend is still here... not physically besides me but he is still in town.  He is now planning to leave mid November but he has been trying to delay in booking his flight ticket.  I told him that we are doing the right thing and this will be a test for us.  He said he dreaded to go back home because the unforeseeable return date really upsets him.  I told him, at most, it will take 4-6 months for his dad to fully recover.  I told him, let this time apart be a time for him to think things through and think about our future together.

P.S. - We are official boyfriend-girlfriend now.  According to him, I'm his "potential wife".  :)  He is the kind of person who doesn't take relationship too lightly.  He said he will make it "official" when he sees me as someone he will marry.  He just cannot call someone his "girlfriend" if he cannot see marrying.  Let's hope that he will do what he says he would!  

It's been a while since I blogged.  Yes, things are going well and stable with me and C.  We have the same strong feeling towards each other and we enjoy each other's company.  We can make each other laugh and he is very caring at the same time.

But knowing the fact that he might leave sometime soon makes me upset...  It's like, why my relationship always get torn by long distance?  He might need to go back to the States to see his dad who is recovering from a surgery.  His mom wants him to go back to help.  He is depressed as he doesn't want to go but at the same time, he feels the need to be with his parents at this difficult time.  He fears that he might not be able to come back once he left... or he wouldn't know WHEN he can come back.  To me, equally sad.  Of course I never want him to leave but at the same time, I can't be selfish to keep him by my side and let his parents face this time alone.  We are now trying to find a compromise in between.  I just hope that whatever this is, it can be a win-win situation.

We are now taking it day by day, enjoying it while we can.  Very bittersweet each time we see each other.  He is avoiding to face the fact that he needs to go because he will get very very upset.  I sure as hell don't want to bring it up because it will make me tear up.

Feeling sad and at the same time knowing we need to do the right thing, is killing us both.

Yes, you read it correctly.  Almost.  Close.  I'm ALMOST in love.

I have been going out with the marketing guy, C.  I caved and met up with him before mid August... as I said I would in my last post.  After that first date, we have been going out almost every 2-3 days.  He is a sweetie.  I think because he is bigger  (I wouldn't say he is chubby but somehow just big...), I feel like I'm hanging around with a ginormous teddy bear.  I feel safe and protected.  He is silly and loves to make me laugh... yet at the same time, he is very dedicated on his business.  He loves to hug me and likewise for me.  We text each other every single day... asking each other how their day goes... what they are doing... what they are seeing throughout the day... It was sweet.  I haven't felt like this for a long time.

I told him that we've only met each other online a little less than a month ago... went out on our first date less than 2 weeks ago... but I feel like we are really comfortable with each other as if we have known each other for a long time.  He said he felt exactly the same... it's weird.  A lot of my friends said I shouldn't rush into this relationship but take time to know each other first.  I guess they feel that I'm not as patient as I should be.  I understand this relationship is still too early... too green... but I feel like I want to be with him.  I like to be with him.  He has stopped responding to his matches on eHarmony and planning to take off his profile... "I just don't think I care to look any further now that I've met you..."  He said he wants to discover more about me before moving to the next step because he feels if he moves this forward, he has to see his girlfriend as his potential wife as well.  If not, he wouldn't want to proceed.  When we hang out, he asks me a lot of the future questions... like what's my take on kids... how many kids I want... my take on marriage... where to live after married....etc.  We are more or less on the same page.

What made me feel a little iffy is... if we are all compatible and if he is as crazy about me as he said he is.... then what are we waiting for?  My friends said I shouldn't dive head-over-heels for him just yet and still need to date other people because I shouldn't take him seriously until we are exclusive.  Everyone is telling me to take this relationship casually for now...

I don't know.  If I take him casually, I might as well just take him as a normal friend.  What we are feeling for each other is way more than just normal friends.  So, I honestly don't know how to be "casual" with him...  He is just too sweet~

And yes... I finally smile from the heart now.   :)

I recently have been introduced to eHarmony by a friend.  She sounded like one of those cheesy testimonies on eH's TV ads.  She is a flight attendant, so you know she cannot look shit-faced.   However, she has been someone rather luck-less in love.  The guys she dated always had commitment-phobia.  She decided to give eH a try, and she met 2 guys who went NUTS about her.  Freaks?  No, they are good-looking men with very decent jobs (she showed me the pictures of them going on dates... definitely NOT freaks or butt-uglies).  One is a realtor (who has quite a few properties of his own) and the other one is an owner of a logistic company.  I always tell her, "you lucky bastard..."

Have I mentioned that I went to see my tarot reader a few weeks ago?  I went to get a reading on my career because lately, it's been quite shitty.  I've been pulling my hair out every single day because it seems NOTHING can go smoothly... there's ALWAYS something wrong.  The fortune-teller assures me I have chosen the right career path and I'm meant to be in this industry (FYI, if you are thinking of going into fashion/garments, you really need to think twice before you put your foot into the door.  It's NOT as glamorous as people have imaged and definitely not as fun as the movies are depicting!).  Anyways, I have been yelled by my customer for things that weren't even my fault.  Since I'm in charge, I get the blame.  Oh well... the cards said I need to slowly accumulate... "drip by drip" (The card actually had a picture of water dripping little by little into a well!)  MY GOD...

Then, I figured, since I'm here, why not a reading on my non-existent love life?   I swear that I wasn't even planned to ask about love because I heard if everything is still status quo, no need to ask.  And I ended up asking...

I couldn't remember precisely what cards I got but I remembered the fortune-teller's expression when she opened the whole spread.  ALL SWORDS.  She said, "wow... all swords.  It means you are way too analytical of everything around you."  I got NINE OF SWORDS this time.  She said this card is not a good card to get because there is still this massive pain in me.  I disagreed, "Well, last time you did a reading for me, I had TEN OF SWORDS!  I think I'm getting better.... one less sword!! HAHA!"  She laughed.  She said I have to right attitude and she believes slowly, my cards will start to rid SWORDS and will have more positive cards in the spread.

The reason I have so much swords in my spread, she explained, is I am fencing myself off to ANY outside factors, be it new people, new environments, or even new opportunities.  It's like I'm frozen in a  block of ice.  People can see me, but they can't touch me.  In another words, I've been scarred and I'm afraid people will wound me again.  Now, the cards's advice to me is I need to break out of my shield.  I can't hide myself just because I am afraid to get hurt again.

She said in the cards, she can see that there are potential guys trying to approach me but as soon as they sense the bitterness and sorrow in me, they head the other way.   (Wow... maybe my bitterness was really overpowering... like a skunk walking outside on the sidewalk and still stinks up the whole entire house!!)  She said I am getting better but I need to open up a lot more in order to welcome people in my life.  Putting fence all around me is not going to help at all.

It is wayyyyyyyyyy harder to do.  As soon as there are guys looking at me or even try to make a conversation with me, I will be like (in my head, of course), "WHAT?!  What do you want?  What are you trying to do?  What's your motive?  Are you trying to steal something from me?  Why are you being so nice??!! Don't you sweet-talk me.  I don't buy that bullshit."  See? It's like I have an uncontrollable defense mechanism...   She suggested I should STOP analyzing... just go with the flow.  Don't be so over-protective of myself.

This is real challenge.  I don't even know if I will EVER completely open up to the way I used to.  Pouring your guts out to someone takes a lot of trust.  I used to have that trust but I don't seem to have it anymore.  And I really don't think I will ever regain that.  I know even if I ever meet a guy, I'm going to keep some distance because "the only constant in life is change".  No one can guarantee they can stand by you forever.

Nonetheless, I will still try to make a difference in me.  I think if I put some dedication in opening myself,  I might be able to shed some bitterness.  I know I eventually can do that... but it just takes time.

Work have been overwhelming... client after client... and then my brother came to visit... and then my best friend will fly here from Toronto for a very short trip and we will meet up this weekend. I can't wait for the irrational shopping begins! When 2 major shopaholics meet, the world will explode or something... Consider that as a warning.

If I have a nickel everytime people asks me why I'm single, I will have enough to buy myself some nice Louboutins. (FYI, I have not one single pair of Louboutins because with their price, I can get several pair of heels/flats/boots...)

I'm thankful for having my corgi boy when I was feeling at the lowest in my life. He helps fill the void my ex left behind. It was a huge struggle when I first got him as I have never had a dog before. He sat quietly next to me when I was having relapses after relapses of my breakup heartaches. When I was feeling numb all over with absolutely no interest in anything, he put a smile back on my face with his silliness and tricks. He has a pretty smile on his face that basically hard to resist. I feel much better now because of him, as he accompanies me through my post-breakup trauma.

I had a dream for these 2 nights (somewhat similar in nature)... that I was pregnant with my ex's baby?!?!?!?!

Thank you for your support and comments to each of you who read this blog regularly!!