I have been in hiding from writing blogs for a while. I find that if I have nothing to write about, I better not write it at all...

I have been feeling... nothing. Absolutely nothing... for quite sometime now. No highs, no lows. No motivations, no depression. No anger, no smile-from-the-heart neither. I'm pretty sick of this feeling. You might wonder, am I having a relapse of my ex again? No... not really...

Actually... a little. Not my ex, who JUST left me... but the guy before him, D. I dreamed of him several nights ago. I remembered our times together when we were in school. I had a huge crush on him through the semester. By the time I found out he feels the same, it was already too late. We were a couple for a short time before he left for grad school. It was short... too short. I'm starting to think if my ex, W, was right... I was just desperate. Not desperate to have a life partner, but rather for someone to fill that void D has left me. I never had any second thought about W at all. When I was with him, I was with him 100%. No second-thoughts, no temptations... and I was ready to spend my life with him.

After this huge disappointment and heartache W has caused me, I started to think, if D and I were together, maybe none of this gut-wretching pain would happen... maybe we would have been married already... maybe I'm already a mom or so... or maybe... maybe...we would end up in the same place as we are right now. He is still living in Vancouver... I guess things will end up the same as it is right now.

D is still single (yes, I facebook-stalked him and a mutual friend told me so. She is also a mutual friend with W as well... but D and W have no connections at all). I once wondered if I should get my friend to re-connect D and I again. But then, this idea soon fades. If I so desperately wanted to re-connect with D, would I be using D as a rebound?

Honestly, I understand that things can never be the same again. What we had back in college is long over. My time in his life has passed. I was only the tiniest chapter in his life. I blamed myself for not pulling myself together and confess earlier (but I also blamed him for being such chicken-shit).

Everything is meant to be, meant to happen. As if the route has already been mapped out for us. Every decision we make, is just like a direction that is pointing to where we need to, or destine to go. I loved D, but I loved W more. But they ended up both leaving me behind. I always wonder if I have done something terribly wrong before ... when it seems so easy for all the people around me to find the right guy... even when some of my friends sleep with other guys behind their boyfriend... whereas, I have to keep hitting walls when I'm totally devoted.

Maybe the guy who is the one for me aren't them. Maybe D and W are just the obstacles I need to go through before I finally understand myself and be content with who I am, so I won't screw up my destined relationship. I really hope this guy will not be far away... because I'm really tired. Tired of this numbness.

On a happier note (for others), tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I wish you all a very romantic Valentine's with your love. As for me, the singles...

... this is EXACTLY what I'm going to do.