When I was in school, I was a fan of Tarot Cards. I always asked if my highschool crush liked me... you know... those typical puppy-love questions. The cards always gave me inconsistent answers. As I get older, I would go for fortune-telling sessions. Again, I was looking for positive answers and I did for a lot of the times. Especially about my love life. I find myself tend to ask more when I feel insecure about my love life and I hope someone will give me a peace of mind. When my previous relationship with my "unofficial boyfriend" finished, the oracle said "Don't worry because the person is already here and he will come to you. Just be patient. He will be very good to you because you two were meant to be." Wouldn't you know... my ex came to my attention within a few months and confessed his love. I believed it even more. When I was with my ex, I hardly ask anymore because I've never felt so secure with him. Then when I moved for work, I asked again, time and time again, the oracles told me not to worry because he will stay and we will be very happy together.

Then he broke up with me.

I kept asking why in my head. I don't know what went wrong. Then, came this past December when my friends came to visit me. We went for a fortune-telling session. They asked about career and I, of course, asked for love. This was my first palm-reading session ever. It was eerie. The fortune-teller could describe a lot about my ex when I haven't even opened my mouth yet. He could see how old my ex is, his personality, and even his family. I was surprised.

According to this fortune-teller, apparently my ex and I were meant to go a long way... but somehow, something just "cut us apart". The "love line" on my hand did have a tiny little line cut perpendicularly across. If it wasn't this line, we would've gone a long way happily. (Yes, he said "happily"! Maybe my ex wouldn't need to pretend to love me afterall.) What does this tiny line represent, I can't pinpoint because he just had way too much hiding in him that I don't even know. Anyways, I was very interested in knowing if I will find someone. He said I will and soon, but it really matters if I'm willing to give this guy a chance and give myself a chance. Funny, at this moment, I have no guys in my life at all. All my guy friends are back in my hometown and I have been hanging out mostly with my girl friends here. ( WHERE ARE YOU?!!!??!) Maybe I'll just have to keep looking and definitely need to keep my eyes open. My life, according to this fortune-teller, is meant for 2 to 3 years of dating in a relationship and then I have to get married. If the dating part takes more than 2-3 years, it will go down the drain. Let's just hope this fortune-teller is accurate because apparently my future husband is a good and successful man.

Anyways, my point is, no matter how much effort I put into holding on to my relationship with my ex, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Just like that little line on my palm, it will cut us apart. And it will always serve as a reminder to me not to force anything to happen anymore.

I would melt if someone did that for me... and wrapping his arms around me to keep me warm.

I find myself sounding like a broken record more and more on this blog. But in real life, I speak less and less about my breakup and my ex. I find there's no point of discussing about it anymore with my friends and family... and I have lost that "urge to share the pain" with them. To them, I'm a headstrong person and I intend to keep it that way. Frankly, I have lost the urge to talk about my ex anymore (unless it is due to unforeseen circumstances.... which I don't know what it will be.... maybe I'll talk about him soon... who knows?). Approaching a year's mark of our breakup anniversary, I really think it's about time for me to go back out to the dating game. My friend last night had warned me again that we (me and her) are not getting any younger. As our friends around are either getting married and some are also having babies, I have to do something with myself instead of sulking in the rut which I have been in for a year. She has been trying to introduce me to some of her boyfriend's friends. I wasn't in the mood to meet any of them. (And needless to say, I dropped the idea of hoping things would happen with that "poster boy" yoga instructor as well. What's the point??!) As a girl approaching the big "three-O" VERY VERY SOON, I think people around me are getting more desperate for me than myself. I like to just leave it in the hands of fate but people around me aren't feeling it. If it's meant to be, it will be. He will come.

Before, even the thought of not being together with my ex scared me. I just couldn't imagine how devastated I would be if it comes true. I never really want to even remotely think about it... the thought was just too dreadful... so I tried my very best to be as good as a girlfriend as I possibly could... trying to make him happy.

But when it actually happened, I thought I would never be able to continue. I felt so lost. I lost him and I also lost myself. I found out without him, I didn't know what I want. Basically all my life goals had something to do with him or our future. In order for me to make a decision, I would contemplate to see if this decision of mine would be beneficial to him. I wanted to "plan" our life so that everything could fall into place as we progress with our careers... and make it easier for him. Because I was so into setting this heart-warming image in my head of us together, I forgot to even do a reality check... to see if he was also on board.

When I found out he was not, it was too late. He made a decision of his own already.

Now, things have settled. We are apart. It's a fact. He is not going to come back. That's a fact.

I'm fine. And I'm going to be fine... Because I need to continue to explore what life has to offer.