Showing posts with label Post-breakup trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Post-breakup trauma. Show all posts
Nine of Swords
momojae
Have I mentioned that I went to see my tarot reader a few weeks ago?  I went to get a reading on my career because lately, it's been quite shitty.  I've been pulling my hair out every single day because it seems NOTHING can go smoothly... there's ALWAYS something wrong.  The fortune-teller assures me I have chosen the right career path and I'm meant to be in this industry (FYI, if you are thinking of going into fashion/garments, you really need to think twice before you put your foot into the door.  It's NOT as glamorous as people have imaged and definitely not as fun as the movies are depicting!).  Anyways, I have been yelled by my customer for things that weren't even my fault.  Since I'm in charge, I get the blame.  Oh well... the cards said I need to slowly accumulate... "drip by drip" (The card actually had a picture of water dripping little by little into a well!)  MY GOD...

Then, I figured, since I'm here, why not a reading on my non-existent love life?   I swear that I wasn't even planned to ask about love because I heard if everything is still status quo, no need to ask.  And I ended up asking...

I couldn't remember precisely what cards I got but I remembered the fortune-teller's expression when she opened the whole spread.  ALL SWORDS.  She said, "wow... all swords.  It means you are way too analytical of everything around you."  I got NINE OF SWORDS this time.  She said this card is not a good card to get because there is still this massive pain in me.  I disagreed, "Well, last time you did a reading for me, I had TEN OF SWORDS!  I think I'm getting better.... one less sword!! HAHA!"  She laughed.  She said I have to right attitude and she believes slowly, my cards will start to rid SWORDS and will have more positive cards in the spread.

The reason I have so much swords in my spread, she explained, is I am fencing myself off to ANY outside factors, be it new people, new environments, or even new opportunities.  It's like I'm frozen in a  block of ice.  People can see me, but they can't touch me.  In another words, I've been scarred and I'm afraid people will wound me again.  Now, the cards's advice to me is I need to break out of my shield.  I can't hide myself just because I am afraid to get hurt again.

She said in the cards, she can see that there are potential guys trying to approach me but as soon as they sense the bitterness and sorrow in me, they head the other way.   (Wow... maybe my bitterness was really overpowering... like a skunk walking outside on the sidewalk and still stinks up the whole entire house!!)  She said I am getting better but I need to open up a lot more in order to welcome people in my life.  Putting fence all around me is not going to help at all.

It is wayyyyyyyyyy harder to do.  As soon as there are guys looking at me or even try to make a conversation with me, I will be like (in my head, of course), "WHAT?!  What do you want?  What are you trying to do?  What's your motive?  Are you trying to steal something from me?  Why are you being so nice??!! Don't you sweet-talk me.  I don't buy that bullshit."  See? It's like I have an uncontrollable defense mechanism...   She suggested I should STOP analyzing... just go with the flow.  Don't be so over-protective of myself.

This is real challenge.  I don't even know if I will EVER completely open up to the way I used to.  Pouring your guts out to someone takes a lot of trust.  I used to have that trust but I don't seem to have it anymore.  And I really don't think I will ever regain that.  I know even if I ever meet a guy, I'm going to keep some distance because "the only constant in life is change".  No one can guarantee they can stand by you forever.

Nonetheless, I will still try to make a difference in me.  I think if I put some dedication in opening myself,  I might be able to shed some bitterness.  I know I eventually can do that... but it just takes time.

  source:  weheartit

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Nothingness
momojae
I have been in hiding from writing blogs for a while. I find that if I have nothing to write about, I better not write it at all...

I have been feeling... nothing. Absolutely nothing... for quite sometime now. No highs, no lows. No motivations, no depression. No anger, no smile-from-the-heart neither. I'm pretty sick of this feeling. You might wonder, am I having a relapse of my ex again? No... not really...

Actually... a little. Not my ex, who JUST left me... but the guy before him, D. I dreamed of him several nights ago. I remembered our times together when we were in school. I had a huge crush on him through the semester. By the time I found out he feels the same, it was already too late. We were a couple for a short time before he left for grad school. It was short... too short. I'm starting to think if my ex, W, was right... I was just desperate. Not desperate to have a life partner, but rather for someone to fill that void D has left me. I never had any second thought about W at all. When I was with him, I was with him 100%. No second-thoughts, no temptations... and I was ready to spend my life with him.

source: weheartit

After this huge disappointment and heartache W has caused me, I started to think, if D and I were together, maybe none of this gut-wretching pain would happen... maybe we would have been married already... maybe I'm already a mom or so... or maybe... maybe...we would end up in the same place as we are right now. He is still living in Vancouver... I guess things will end up the same as it is right now.

D is still single (yes, I facebook-stalked him and a mutual friend told me so. She is also a mutual friend with W as well... but D and W have no connections at all). I once wondered if I should get my friend to re-connect D and I again. But then, this idea soon fades. If I so desperately wanted to re-connect with D, would I be using D as a rebound?

Honestly, I understand that things can never be the same again. What we had back in college is long over. My time in his life has passed. I was only the tiniest chapter in his life. I blamed myself for not pulling myself together and confess earlier (but I also blamed him for being such chicken-shit).

Everything is meant to be, meant to happen. As if the route has already been mapped out for us. Every decision we make, is just like a direction that is pointing to where we need to, or destine to go. I loved D, but I loved W more. But they ended up both leaving me behind. I always wonder if I have done something terribly wrong before ... when it seems so easy for all the people around me to find the right guy... even when some of my friends sleep with other guys behind their boyfriend... whereas, I have to keep hitting walls when I'm totally devoted.

Maybe the guy who is the one for me aren't them. Maybe D and W are just the obstacles I need to go through before I finally understand myself and be content with who I am, so I won't screw up my destined relationship. I really hope this guy will not be far away... because I'm really tired. Tired of this numbness.

source: weheartit

On a happier note (for others), tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I wish you all a very romantic Valentine's with your love. As for me, the singles...

source: weheartit

... this is EXACTLY what I'm going to do.


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The sweet-bitter trip home
momojae
I'm back from my trip. Yes, you read it correctly. It wasn't a bitter-sweet trip, but rather a sweet-bitter trip... first came sweet, last came bitter. The sweet part is where I was able to see all my closest friends. I was out every day with different friends to different places for amazing food. It was so good to catch up with everyone of them and I can't tell you how grateful I am for each of them to take the time out to meet up with me, even just a coffee at Starbucks in the middle of their busy work day...

For me, everything comes down to effort. And I appreciate all my friends' efforts and taking time out to see me and being so understanding and arrange according to my limited time schedule.

The bitter part is, again, from my ex. He didn't come out to see me. Not even a quick lunch... not even a coffee. Everyone I know thought he would come out to meet up with me. Everyone expected he would AT LEAST ask me out for a coffee because I have been telling everyone I would be coming back. He didn't. Fine. I thought I should be the bigger person and started a conversation on Facebook to see if he is interested to grab a quick lunch with me. He said no. He said he is very busy and "fully booked for the weekends". I knew I would set myself up for a big disappointment if he said no... but knowing I'm the kind of person if I don't try, I would kick myself later.... I thought I might as well give it a try. No biggie.... right? Turns out, there was one night where I was out with my friends having dessert after dinner at a wine bar, he was just a few blocks down having dessert himself too. You call that "very busy"? Fucking lie.

No shit. I was disappointed. He got this new job so his schedule is more or less fixed. I hate it that my mind I have always created this massive library of excuses in order to explain why he wouldn't come out. I understood his new job might need him to use a lot of afterwork hours to prep... Fine. I let that one go.

Just 3 days before I leave, the temptation of asking my ex came again. I had to invite a friend of mine to dinner on Wednesday so I wouldn't surrender to THE urge. However, my friend had to cancel our dinner on Tuesday night because he couldn't finish his essay for his Friday night class. I knew I would be tempted to ask my ex out again. I didn't want to get hurt again so I immediately called on the same Tuesday night another friend to replace. She said she would gladly join me for dinner the next night. I felt relieved for some reason. However, on Wednesday, she texted me she had to cancel dinner as she was feeling very sick the whole night... vomiting and having stomachache... doctor said she had a bad case of stomach flu. I thought to myself, "is this like a sign that I should ask my ex again?" I didn't know what to do and tried to walk around town in order to clear this urge.

By Wednesday afternoon, I still couldn't find anyone to join me for dinner that night. Since my ex was the only one left I haven't seen on this trip, I surrendered. I texted him and casually invite him for a quick dinner as "I'll be leaving this Friday". He said no, as he already has dinner plans. Needless to say, my heart shattered. I felt like I was begging, "my friend cancelled on me because of flu... so I have no dinner tonight..." But he replied, "That's terrible. Sorry to hear."

I didn't even reply. There's really no point. I never thought I would mean absolutely nothing to him. No I-can't-make-it-tonight-but-how-about-a-quick-coffee-tomorrow? or no-dinner-tonight?-do-you-want-to-join-me-and-my-friends?... I wouldn't even leave any of my friend dinner-less if I know about their situation... let alone someone who has been with you, through thick and thin, for 4 years?

I couldn't believe it. None of my friends expected his reaction. None. I knew I shouldn't expect anything from him as we aren't couple anymore, and I also understand I set myself up for this, but I was truly shocked. From "if you ever feel that you have no one to talk to, I'll always be there for you" in his breakup letter, to a mere "sorry to hear [that you have no dinner tonight]", my heart was completely shattered. I was disappointed in him, but more so at myself. I have time and time again allow myself to be hurt by him. I always would find numerous excuses and reasons to explain away his indifference. I kept having faith in him that even if we couldn't be a couple, we could still be normal friends. But when you know you mean absolutely nothing to someone who you have loved more than life itself, it was devastating. That Wednesday night, I ordered take-out from a neighbourhood sushi bar. While waiting for pick up, I went back to my car and cried. It was pouring rain out and I was cold and felt so alone. I was very angry at myself, asking myself constantly "WHY? Why set myself for this pain again?" I felt so useless... so shitty... That night, even my favorite sushi didn't even have any taste to it.

That was the last straw for me. I'm done. The next day's evening, I drove to the beach alone where we used to go. It was so dark and so quiet but I could see all the sparkling lights on the opposite shore. I looked up to the sky and said, "From this day onward, he will mean nothing to me. I'm done. I have enough. Please let me go..."

Since I'm back from Vancouver, I have deleted him off my Facebook (I really doubt he will notice my absence on his lengthy friend list of different women). I have finally deleted his contact info in my iPhone, ripped the page with his contact into off my phone/address book, deleted the last photos and videos of us together which I have been holding on so dearly even long after our breakup...

I'm done. I'm really done. If he thinks he deserves to be with someone much better, then I wish him good luck.

His chapter in my life story has finally ended. I look forward to turn to a brand new chapter...
with someone who, at least, will not leave me dinner-less.

source: weheartit
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Ten of Swords
momojae
source: weheartit

When uneasiness and uncertainties hit, we always want to find some reassurance one way or the other. Call me superstitious but I usually seek the higher power to tell me what am I doing or at least give me some insight so I can at least know where I'm going. As you have seen in my previous posts, I do visit fortune tellers when I'm all confused or clueless as what I'm going through, especially so when I lost my love.

It's been a while since I had a reading and I have been feeling pretty clueless as to where I should go or what I should do to find my next love possibility. A friend referred me to her friend's tarot reader a month ago... but not until a few days ago I finally couldn't stand this feeling of uncertainties anymore.

I have had tarot readings before but mainly like a one question thing. You go in, you ask a question, you pay, you get out kind of deal.

This time, I decided to get a full reading. Before we began, she asked me what do I want to know... Knowing myself, nothing is more important than relationship (I know... don't judge me). The reader told me to pick out a full 10-card spread.

Without anything being said beforehand, the cards were revealed...

MAGICIAN and TEN OF SWORDS on my side. "This has really not been an easy relationship for you...", she said at the first glance. "You wanted to turn the relationship around for the better so badly for many times and you have been striving and working hard to make things better for the both of you. You didn't want to give up but it has been a very difficult road for you all along... And it definitely didn't help because you got the most painful card - ten of swords. As you can see on the card, there are 10 swords all stabbing towards the heart in the middle. The pain must have been excruciating..."

At that point, my tears just came rolling down. I didn't even know why I cried. I apologized for my behavior (as this is not like me to cry in front of a stranger... ) but she said I have to let it out because I cannot keep it locked and pretend everything is fine. I guess I was amazed how the cards showed how I felt all along. It was painful to see after everything was finished, I walked out with nothing.

Then on the other side, which represents the other person in the relationship... meaning my ex, there are the CHANGE card and the LOVE card. She explained that he was back and forth in the relationship and still is. And he still has love for me but he is not strong enough to do anything for me or fight for me. I asked will the LOVE card represents that he is loving someone else now? She explained this spread is about me. If he is loving another person, it will be a card showing he has withdrawn his love away from me... this LOVE card represents the love feeling he has for me.

She then goes on explaining his personalities and what is affecting him... it was surprisingly accurate. He has too much ties and restrictions that are preventing him to move, be it the outside factors or his own inner self. They somehow force him to stay in the same stagnant pool, as dark as the SEVEN of DISKS. Even if he wants to fight, it was too strong for him and he wasn't ready.

The fortune teller said the whole spread was full of helplessness vibe. I have been trying to hold on and trying to turn things for the better for the both of us but he, on the other hand, has too much ties that are pulling him down, preventing him to move or fight. She said it was just unfortunate because love is on both sides... no one cheats... but somehow it just didn't work for both of us and couldn't bring us together. It was painful to hear but at the same time, it felt like a release... like finally someone understands instead of telling me "he wasn't worth it!" or "you will find someone better" or "move on!!"

Because tarot cannot predict the future but merely a map or a mirror of your inner self to let you understand more and make you see clearly to continue on. I got the PRINCESS OF WANDS and QUEENS OF SWORDS. I have what it takes to move on and make a wise decision but I have too much doubts in me. They keep pulling me back whenever I want to move forward. I am too vulnerable at this point to move on with someone new because I am not ready, I have lost interests in everything around me, and I have lost trust and the sense of security in relationship. This is very accurate.

She asked me to ask myself.... truthfully and honestly... if I want to continue on with my ex. She said there is a card (which I cannot remember which it was) showing there is still a possibility that things can heal between us. But I need to ask myself if I want to go back to the same thing again. I said, "this is really not up to me to say... if he doesnt' want me, I can't do anything". She said, "no, this is up to you because you are now deciding if YOU want to work for this relationship again..." I paused.

She said, "I think you already have an answer in your mind."

For now, the advice for me is to get the passion for life back again. She can see I have lost the appreciation of life and cannot see anything that excites me. I'm indifferent to everything... Even though I feel fine now... but I cannot say I'm feeling any deep feelings or anything from the heart. Everything seems surface. She said I need to find my focus.... my interests.... my passion back, be it a hobby or career because even when a new guy presents himself in front, I wouldn't be able to see. I would be so numb to detect.

Before I leave, she said to me, "I think it's better to feel pain and let it out than feeling all numb inside... like what you are feeling right now. This is not healthy."

I thought I was doing so well... but I never know I'm still this fragile.
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2:00am...
momojae
The clock just passed 2:15am as I'm writing this. I actually just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm tired and exhausted but I couldn't seem to rest my mind... and I have to work in the morning!!

I woke up because my subconscious has pulled me back down again. It's like a reminder that comes whenever you have nothing on your mind that will cause that same familiar pain, and suddenly re-appear to tell you "this is not over".

We were walking on the same street we used to go through when we go back to his apartment. We were admiring the cool breeze while holding hands and talking about how nice the apartments in this neighborhood and how lovely to be living in these places in the future. A usual stroll we did. I loved to squeeze his hand and said "SQUEEZE!" and he would squeeze back and say the same thing, all the while we carry our conversation. We were silly back then. Then I suddenly do a silly power-walk (which I would always do to see if he will run after me). It would always catch him off guard and he would say, "what the...?" and tried to catch up behind me. He caught up and grabbed my hand tightly, and teased me "Gotcha! I'm not letting you go!! You are not going anywhere... You are mine!! HA HA!"

I woke up. It feels like yesterday we did that little stroll in the neighborhood. I haven't thought of him for quite a while now so why suddenly pull me back again? The past keeps on pulling me back and the pain has kept me missing out the present, and makes me wonder if the future will still be this fragile and vulnerable. I know that he has long-forgotten about all the details between us and it frustrates me why I still have this photographic memory of us that I can't seem to take out as easy as he did. They were sweet memories but they hurt as if being stabbed or betrayed. It's weird because if I'm living these past sweet moments, I should feel happy, but I'm not. I couldn't stop the tears. And it is especially draining when it's after more than one goddamn year...

I'm sick of this and I'm really tired of this. I can be strong consciously by putting my mind full force on work and other things in life but I can't fight when they attack me when my conscious is resting. That's when I'm the most vulnerable.

2:40am... I hope I can get some undisturbed sleep. And let's hope makeup will work its magic and cover my swollen eyes.

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Just when you are ready...
momojae


Today, I was trying to organize the drawing stuff in my cabinet and hoping to get myself "interested" in sketching/drawing again. I found my old sketchbook which I have abandoned since my breakup. I realized I haven't drawn anything since the breakup. I guess, work was picking up after and I wasn't in the mood so I just left it with a box of brand new markers which I bought AFTER the breakup but never really opened the box.

I flipped through the sketchbook... and then I found a page where I wrote a detailed itinerary of things we could do if my ex comes to visit me. I had a plan of things we could do and places we could go from morning til night during his visit. There are a lot of things on that page. I could feel how excited I was and how much I wanted to share with him...

Needless to say, my tears started to come down when I was reading it. After more than a year, something like this still gets the best of me. I was happy and was so sure (even from my last post) that I was over the whole thing, and a sudden discovery of things like this still hits me like a ton of bricks. It still hurts. I bet he has already thrown away all the things I bought him or made for him and I don't expect him to keep any of them anyways.

I tore out the page from the sketchbook. At first, I wanted to put it into the box where I keep all his things to me (which is not a big box. HA!)...locked away... but then I decided to rip the page apart. If he could have such an easy time getting over me and our relationship, I don't need another thing to make it tougher for myself to get over him.

I know I am on the way to recovery... so please don't pull me back suddenly... like today.

Source: Both from weheartit
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A heartbreaker?
momojae
source: weheartit

A good friend told me a couple days ago...

"If you have been hurt badly in your previous relationship, you will be breaking someone's heart in your next relationship. It's karma."

Frankly, I don't want to. And I don't think I will have the heart to. Having been on the recipient end of the breakup was bad enough... I don't want the next person to feel the same damage as I went through. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. And I didn't want to retaliate my ex neither. No point, not necessary. He didn't cheat, he just didn't want to continue with me. I don't need to carry this "grudge" towards the next relationship. And I currently do not hold any grudge against my ex neither. Because he is meaning less and less to me, I don't even see the point of retaliation.

Nonetheless, I feel like I will be more cautious in meeting guys now. No wonder people always tell me I will become less-trusting and more jaded in my next relationship if I was once severely hurt. I think that is the aftermath of a post-breakup trauma.

But think on the bright side, I think I'm over my ex! (What do you guys think?)
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"Babe"
momojae

A couple days ago was my ex's birthday. I sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. He replied and wished me a happy holiday and stuff.

It felt weird. Somewhat uncomfortable.

Not because this is the first time he texted me since our break, but that we no longer address each other with our endeared nicknames. Now, he just addressed my first name. I realized I didn't like it... I really didn't like it at all. It felt so distant as if we are strangers... or just normal acquaintances where you can't even call each other "friend". I didn't expect that. I thought he would still call me "babe" or something along that line. I messaged him back after his reply to wish him a happy new year (to see if he would "babe" me back) but he didn't reply after. After being so close together for years and all of a sudden, I'm just a "regular first name" threw me off quite a bit. I guess this is the kind of tiny things that I didn't prepare myself for after the breakup. Hurts? Yes, but then I do understand this is part of the deal (more like ordeal), and it takes time getting used to. Perhaps he is afraid that I'll be crawling my way back to him like a recurring rash or pesky parasite. Perhaps he didn't even want me as a friend.

But still, I'd like to know that at least I meant something to him.

I think I, at least, deserve a "babe".

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