Last week, I was meeting with a new client over dinner. Not particularly MY client but more like a client of my company (I'm not in charge of his company account). He is 36 but to me, he looks a little more mature... (like 38 or 39??). NOT OLD, but MATURE in a very healthy way. (Yeah... pretty weird description, I know....) He is from Australia and he is very charming and nice.
While I was chatting with him, my mind starts to wonder off... "hmm... what would it be like if we are dating?..." (HAHA~~ I know... I'm thinking about useless thing like that nowadays. Quite pathetic...) But he is such a catch! (and FYI, he is single because I think he just broke up with his gf or something... I didn't ask, he brought this up during the conversation. I think he must still love his ex because he did mention he loves Thai food because of his ex ... and we were having a Thai dinner.... which he suggested to have. ) He is successful as he just got promoted as a general manager of the boutique chain. There are 5 people (excluding us) during the dinner, he chatted with me most of the times. Again, I'm not dealing with his account.
He is the kind of guy you feel comfortable with... not intimidated, despite his position in the company... and his perspective is very global. He goes to gym several times a week... loves to camp... and he is interested about yoga (which he asked me a lot about)... he loves to eat... and he shared a lot of food stories over the dinner... He travels to different places a lot of the times... for both work and for pleasure. He told me a lot of things he saw during his travels and whatnot. He asked me if I have been to New York.... I said no, I haven't. He was very surprised that as a girl working fashion and I have NOT been to NY...
New York. To me, this place reminds me of my ex. My ex LOVES New York and he used to say "I'll definitely take you to New York one day and you are going to love it! And I think we are going to have a very good time there together! I will take you to 5th Avenue... I will take you to that Tiffany where Charlotte got proposed to........ you know, just maybe we might go live there too! ..... " But he ended up never taken me to NY during our time together (because he took his best bud there to see sports games instead... oh FML!). I was very disappointed, to say the least, even to this day but I'm looking forward to explore this fashion city myself.
I digress. Anyways, I didn't tell this guy why I haven't been to NYC yet. Because that would make me look pretty .... oh I don't know... "limited"? Like not improving my perspective but only focus on relationship and stuff? He recommends me to go .... I will go... when I have completely let go of my ex.... like he is the last last thing on my mind. Then, I know I will be ready at that time.
Think of it, it's like how often will a successful guy like him will love a girl like me? Realistically speaking, that's like hitting a jackpot in Vegas repeatedly... which is .... like NEVER... or next to NEVER. Funny though, because he is so out of reach, I don't have any hopes that "this", meaning me and this nice Aussie, will happen. Just like that yoga instructor... who is just too hot to be in a relationship for real. These 2 amazing guys are just infatuations. They are perfect so that's why I like them. My ex was love because I loved him whole-heartedly despite the fact he has nothing to offer. But it turns out: Love is disappointing, infatuations are unrealistic but fun.
No more false hopes for me, thanks. I have learned my lesson. (Does that make me less trusting towards guys now?)
Wow... I realize I'm getting more realistic by the minute....
source: weheartit
Ugh.. it's TGIF but I'm feeling quite lethargic. Actually it takes a lot out of me to write this post. I have no idea why I'm so deflated right now....
I guess...
- Work is hitting walls everywhere.
- Work-related people are stupid and unreasonable.
- Everything related to work seems to go into a mess.
- I have a swollen big toe... dunno why...
- I'm OK with being single but I miss the sense of intimacy and closeness with someone.
- I wish I have a shoulder to lean on but I know that shoulder is not coming anytime soon.
- I actually want to cry but I don't want to at the same time. That is weird.
- I'm exhausted... mentally.
- And I just ate a chocolate-glazed donuts with soy milk... and I feel guilty for my constant food cravings.
- I feel like my ass's cellulite is spreading as I'm writing this.
I wouldn't say I feel depressed all the time (well... not referring to the period of post-breakup, of course) but when things are going the way it is right now, I feel like a deflated balloon. I yearn to just go bear-hug someone and just drape myself over that person. I love that feeling. It's like a koala hanging onto a tree. I miss that. A lot.
But then part of me is warning me not to be dependent again. EVER.... because you never know when that person you draped over is going to walk away. It's more exhausting than I expect to be independent... and learning to be strong.
CRUD... I feel like grabbing another chocolate glazed donut ...
source: weheartit
One of my "heartbreak survivor" friends told me that her ex wanted her back. I was in shock. They broke up just before the New Year's Eve and they haven't been together or in contact since. Then suddenly last week, he called her up to see if she wanted to go for an exhibition. Since my friend was planning to go, so she agreed. Long story short, at the end of the day, he kissed her and said he never want to let her go. He said since their breakup, he had tried to go on dates and meet other girls, but he felt that his heart still belongs to her. He couldn't seem to let her go. He said he felt more alone than before. My friend was confused... part of her wants to believe him, but part of her wants to think clearly.
To be honest, my first impression of the her ex wasn't a great one. He was pretentious and he thinks he was like the best things since sliced bread. But he never really treated my friend badly. He cares for her despite his "aloofness". I know he really loves her. But one problem, he doesn't believe in marriage and he always yearn for freedom and excitements (What can I say, he is a Sagittarius... sigh). My friend knew he would not settle down so she decided to give him the freedom and break up with him.
I told my friend to give him another chance after all, if he wants to be with someone else, he would've hooked up with other girls already. He doesn't need to wait for you... he yearns for freedom, he would've gone so far away that you couldn't even see his shadow.... but the fact that he still really cares and willing to wait for her to change her mind, that really surprise me. (Again, you can't really judge people by their looks!) I said why not give him and herself another shot to see if this can head to something better. Although he is not a big fan on the marriage idea, I see his commitment to my friend is a big step of trying to show my friend that he is very serious. He sticks to his words. My friend is willing to ease up the marriage thing for a little and I think they are both meeting each other halfway. And for that, I'm really happy for them.
They are now keeping it light and be friends again. They both have the courage to give their relationship another try. I can't be happier for them.
I think it's important to meet each other halfway. You can't do everything alone and sure as hell you can't depend on the other to do everything for you. Once the relationship becomes lopsided, one person will become exhausted and the other person will expect more and more and won't feel fulfilled. I learned my lesson.
I need to find someone who will meet me halfway...
source: weheartit
"The more you look for it, the more likely you cannot find. When you least expects it, it will come on its own."
This is actually some random voice I had in one of my dreams before. This was eerie, yet comforting. It's like someone is guiding me somehow. I do admit that I do feel desperate at times that I'm still single. Looking at the majority of my old classmates on Facebook... they are either new parents, married, engaged, or at least with someone very stable. Hardly any singles left in my grad class. That's fine. Think of the bright side, at least I stand out now... not like the wall flower I once was in highschool. On TV, the same topic is on again and again about how off the gender ratio is and whatnot... how women have outnumbered men ... blah blah blah... I sometimes feel like, "shit. I guess I should start saving for my spinsterhood". Yet sometimes, more likely, I feel "whatever... how many of those are with someone who they actually love and be together NOT for the sake of the fear of being alone?" Some of my recently-singled friends have been eagerly going back to the clubbing scene, hoping to meet more guys/girls. They will go back to their "college attire" and try their luck. They think I'm not trying hard enough... but I think they are trying way too hard. I'm not young and I don't think I need to go get myself drunk in the clubs in order to enhance my chance of meeting someone new.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything and every decision you make or you have to take will guide you somewhere to create your own life story. Perhaps you might not be happy at this point in life and everything stinks.... but it won't stink forever. Maybe right now it's not the right time for the right one to come by. Maybe I have just missed him a minute ago or we just happened to walk the opposite side on the same street... I have been feeling like I have been doing the wrong thing at the wrong time or right thing at the wrong time all the time.... it's just never doing the right thing at the right time. Hardly.
But when everything is in sync, everything will fall into place and before I know it, the right guy will be right there at the right time. And I won't need to look any further...
source: weheartit
I've seen that in others and been there myself before. Things always look nicer from the outside. For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat comfortable in my own skin. No need to pretend, no need to worry about if relationship will end if I don't make a move, no need to bust my ass trying to make things work and make someone else happy, no need to care about irrelevant people who actually annoys the crap out of me but still have to pretend I give a damn... God, I really hope this sudden feeling stays.
I ... feel... free! After losing your own sense of self in a relationship in order to please the other person and try everything to keep your relationship, it takes so long to trying to find who you are back. I'm still learning but it is much better than a year ago for sure. At least I don't feel as lost as before. Don't get me wrong, I'm not regretting being in my previous relationships at all but you never know how much you lose yourself and how dependent you have become until you are out of the relationship.
Anyways, to all the single ladies out there:
