A couple days ago was my ex's birthday. I sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. He replied and wished me a happy holiday and stuff.
It felt weird. Somewhat uncomfortable.
Not because this is the first time he texted me since our break, but that we no longer address each other with our endeared nicknames. Now, he just addressed my first name. I realized I didn't like it... I really didn't like it at all. It felt so distant as if we are strangers... or just normal acquaintances where you can't even call each other "friend". I didn't expect that. I thought he would still call me "babe" or something along that line. I messaged him back after his reply to wish him a happy new year (to see if he would "babe" me back) but he didn't reply after. After being so close together for years and all of a sudden, I'm just a "regular first name" threw me off quite a bit. I guess this is the kind of tiny things that I didn't prepare myself for after the breakup. Hurts? Yes, but then I do understand this is part of the deal (more like ordeal), and it takes time getting used to. Perhaps he is afraid that I'll be crawling my way back to him like a recurring rash or pesky parasite. Perhaps he didn't even want me as a friend.
But still, I'd like to know that at least I meant something to him.
Got some news of my old "crush" (I don't even know how to address him because we were never official) from a friend of mine. He just broke up with his girlfriend recently. He and his girlfriend become official just months prior to my breakup. And now, his girlfriend left him. I used to love him so much back in school but now, I feel like "eh~~ "
Apparently, he had curled up and hid away from everybody for months. He was being very rude to my friend when she asked him how he's doing and ignored all phone calls from friends. He is much weaker and fragile than I thought. Absolutely not as strong as he looks. My friend said he is a very stubborn person and when his mind is set, he will do everything to make you change your mind to accommodate his ideas. (Typical TAURUS... liked 3 guys in the past, 2 out of 3 are Taurus... sigh... it's hard to deal with them) I guess he just couldn't face the trauma.
In a way, I'm glad things didn't work out between us back then... Just like what my friend said "you never know... I remember you were devastated back then ... I guess sometimes things just work out for the best! "
I couldn't believe it more. If I were with him, I bet I would feel so suffocated being controlled and we definitely would not last long.... but then I can't help but wonder, would I actually shape myself to accommodate all his wishes?
(Maybe I would... just maybe... if I love him enough.)
Is it normal that now when I listen to cheery love songs (you know, those sing about how GREAT love is and how rosy everything is...), I think it is just sweet-talking or even just a lie? I feel like I don't believe in these lovey-dovey songs anymore.
The most interesting thing I learned from my friend last night,
"In a relationship, a man's and a woman's value goes the opposite direction as time goes by. Man will work hard to get the attention and love of the woman he desires. Man's value at this time is much lower than woman. As he finally secures his woman and if his woman falls totally in love with him, woman's value starts to depreciate because she will automatically starts to think and plan for the man instead of herself first. They will no doubt put their man on their priority. Man, at this time, has an appreciated value, and continue to be when they start to build a family. The more children the woman produces, the more depreciated she will become because then the children will mean a lot more to the man than the woman."
This theory is so harsh, yet so blatantly true. It makes me think twice before putting a man as my top priority now. I used to prioritize all my ex's needs and depreciated my own in order to make him happy... and then not being appreciated because he had too much on his own plate... it made all my effort meaningless. I don't blame him because after all, he has some VERY complicated emotional issues and I don't think I was and will ever be a part of his future planning. Therefore, as I was waiting and expecting a future with him, and he never really wanted a future with me, it's like waiting for a bus that will never come. I could get frustrated all I want but "it's not gonna happen". So why don't I let go?
I love talking to my closest friends... they can analyze all the nitty-gritty aspects of my relationship and I feel so good after by just pouring everything out. They made me realize there's no point in hoping for something that it's not designated for me and not suitable for me. And frankly, I don't think I will ever be cut out for the complexity that follows if we actually continue. I will only get more and more exhausted. I depreciated myself where I became a girl with no self goals. What makes him happy, makes me happy. When we started to date, he always said what made me happy, made him happy. I didn't realize I lost myself so much throughout these 4 years.
All along, I was just in denial by seeing everything as hunky-dory, and everything could be resolved. It wasn't. I knew it back then but I just chose to ignore it. Now, I can feel that I'm on the right track to build myself back up again. I no longer yearn to be back with my ex.
I have no problem to befriend with him... that is, if he wants to.
Last Friday, I went out with a dear dear friend of mine, J...
J: "You know what, I think it's time for you to leave your "spinster and dog" vibe and come join the real world. I just can't bear to see you turning yourself into a hermit."
Me: "What's wrong with that? At least he won't all of a sudden leave me for no reason... I'm good with Goggie right now. He basically occupied my mind because I constantly need to look after him... and besides... you know I'm really not in the mood to date right now... "
J: "Well, not exactly. Meet some new guys and who knows, you might find someone good! I know some young professionals out there. Make some new friends!"
Me: "Yeah, no thanks. If I can't even keep my ex... what makes you think I can keep a *air quote gesture* "professional" boyfriend?"
J: "OK... let me show you this guy I have been meaning to introduce to you... *searching her blackberry for photos* THIS GUY!! see? he is a lawyer and he is a runner and a hiker. AND he doesn't smoke! He is a good guy!"
Me: *Look at the guy's pic* "Yeah, he is my type... but I'm not feeling it. Somehow he just doesn't look right."
J: "Yeah, no one looks RIGHT to you except your ex. Honestly, what the hell do you even see in your ex??"
Me: "You are not the only one. I don't even know why... the majority of my friends don't understand why."
J: "I don't like him the first time I met him. He is just too weird... doesn't look too appealing."
Me: "...."
J: "Honest... I think you deserve someone much much better than him. I thought to myself 'she can get a much better guy than this guy! What is she doing with him??' the moment I met him."
Me: "Thanks for the hindsight... you made me feel like an idiot."
The above is just one of the common conversations I had with my friends after my breakup. They all have one thing common: I deserve a way better guy than my ex. Apparently, my ex worth shit to them. I didn't like my ex the first time I met him, and for the first couple months of dating, I never thought it was long-term. He is not a professional, he has no money, no looks, no degree, a trivial job... etc. But slowly, when I got to understand who he is and how driven he is to succeed in establishing his own business, I kind of admired him and he slowly melted me. He grew up in a tough surrounding so it makes him very determined to succeed. He has to work for everything he has right now. To me, that means so much more to me than dating some rich kid where nice things will fall into their lap without even asking.
Until I find someone worthy, I don't think I want to take risk of getting hurt again. One time is bad enough.
Yesterday while I was doing yoga, I had this thought in my head: Wouldn't it be nice that we arrive to this world with the preconception who will be "The One" in our life? We won't have to go through so many trials-and-errors, falling for the wrong guy or girl, and be able to just worry about finding this one person who will love us the most and will not break our heart? We just need to worry about how to make ourselves fall in love with him/her? Wouldn't it save a lot of time and tears? I'm a firm believer that there is this one particular person out there who will love you no matter what (aside from family, of course), regardless you are fat or thin, sick or healthy... etc. For me, that person is The One. Unfortunately, I have been reminded time and time again that the ONE for you can be a different person than the one you end up marrying to. THAT is harsh reality and frankly, that ain't fair. Not fair to yourself and not fair to the one you are marrying to.
It's always in retrospect where you find out the one before or the one before your previous is the love of your life. Because I always try to live without regrets, I treasure what I have... particularly relationships. I never cheated, I never nagged, I never was those girlfriends where they have to check or spy on their boyfriends to see what they are up to, I never asked him to buy anything expensive....etc. I basically studied the "what not to do" in the guys manual on girlfriend and did all but it didn't guarantee me any success.
Now it's all come down to "if it's meant to be, it will be" for me. I'm not going to do anything or force anything to happen because frankly, my past effort has been proven to be meaningless. I have done everything I can do in a relationship so I'm very disappointed that he is not The One who I'm looking for. Don't get me wrong, I never regret to be with him at all. Because I was in love and that's all it matters. It's just really sad for me that we ended up have to split.
Wouldn't it be nice if I can just cut to the chase and just worry about finding or even waiting for The One to arrive? And no need to worry if he will leave me for something I did?
LOVE the trip. It's so refreshing to realize I haven't thought of my ex throughout the trip. Now that I'm back, it seems he is slowly disappearing in my head. It still stinks everytime I thought of him but not much pain as before. I guess seeing the world DOES help. The trip was exhausting and I almost spent ALLLLLLLL of the money in my wallet (good thing I did save enough for my train ticket to the airport!). Everything in Japan is so expensive but the good food and good shopping definitely well worth the money. Met up with a long-lost friend, who lives in Osaka, and had an amazing time also helps. When I came home, my little Corgi boy was so excited to see me! (but he looks different!! he looks older!! LOL!!)
Now I have to go back to work.... save enough... and go travel again!!
Leaving on a jet plane.... to have some much-needed fun!! I had used a big chunk of my supposedly "wedding funds" on flight tickets and hotels for this trip and I'm going to use the rest of it for shopping. Since I won't be getting married anytime soon, why not treat myself for a little trip to blow off some bitterness in me? Nothing cures a heartache better than retail-therapy and sight-see with my best friend!
If someone tells you, after being together 4 years, that you are nothing but his "default girl" and you have been too "easy" for him, would you have a huge WTF in your head? what would you do? would you want to slap him?
I didn't do anything... I just stood dumbfounded and shocked at that time. Someone who I thought would be my fiance suddenly said something like this. How can you react?
Looking back now, he didn't really provide or give me anything except his bullshit promises. All of them were like music to my ears back then. When you are in love, even shit tastes sweet. I hated to be a giver but I have been giving throughout the relationship but all the while I thought it was worth it.... as long as he loves me and appreciates my effort, that's all good. I don't mind. Apparently not. To him, I have been making it too EASY for him.
If he is on the recipient end of his words to me, he would understand the pain. Until then, he will continue to drown himself in endless fake tanned breasts.
It's always the hindsight that makes us see clearer and wiser.... but it just happens far too late.
This is Goggie, my 3-month old boy Corgi. Taking care of him these several days so far made me realize how hard it is to take care a baby by myself. Now let's imagine this little guy is an actual baby. I applaud all single moms trying to take care of their babies on their own while having to work. It's definitely not an easy task. My ex did mention he wanted kids with me. Good thing we didn't or I'll be the one taking care of them now while he is out partying. I'm sure he is a good father but a good father WHEN he actually wants to be. He get depressed easily when things didn't go as planned. What if things didn't go as planned with him when I'm pregnant? And he went to get drunk? Do I have to cheer him up while working and taking care of the belly?
I'm starting to feel fortunate that we broke up. I don't think I have the capacity to deal with 2 "babies". I already have difficulties taking care of a baby dog by myself.... let alone a real child with a depressive boyfriend/husband... who has an unreasonable mom... while working on building my business? In a way, I think my ex has done the right thing... He knows he cannot work together with me to build a future together. He knows he is not mature enough to do so.
At the end, just like he said "ultimately, I'm doing us both a favor".
This is the new man in my life: a 3-month old boy Corgi. He finally moved in with me yesterday. I always wanted a dachshund or a pug or maybe a poodle. This little guy came into my life at the most unexpected time... (kind of feel like when you are pregnant accidentally!) He was given to us from a relative. I always dreamed of having a dog jogging besides my ex and I... now I finally have a dog but my ex had left. It's ok, when this little guy gets older, he will be jogging with me instead.
I still haven't been able to find a name for him yet. All the dog names I had before in my head were made up together with my ex. Now I actually have a dog, I have no name... I don't want to use those 'tainted' names. Having this little Corgi in my life will for sure take some of my attention away from me missing my ex. This is going to be a new start for me and I will focus on this boy now.
Last night going out with my friend to a drink thing has been an eye-opening experience. Meeting guys who work in the global financial powerhouses, it confirms my belief that I'm not looking to date "credentials". I just want someone who I can talk with... not in between smoking cigars and sipping wine while talking about their properties and stock assets... someone I can talk meaningless things with.... laugh about silly things together...wanting the same goals... mainly a person with an unpretentious heart. Meaningless "work laugh" is really insincere in my eyes. Frankly, I'm not good at making small talks and whatnot. I don't like to be fake. What you see is what you get. No hidden agendas with me. Life is already full of problems and headaches, and if I have to be mindful and put on a show when I deal with others, I will be exhausted.
Anyways, for me, qualifications don't guarantee if he will be a good person or not. I have had a couple of close friends with high-qualifications boyfriends or husbands who treated them like shit. My ex didn't have much credentials at all.... (even my friends questioned why I would be interested in the first place) but he was a very genuine person to me and to my family (but turns out not really...) and we could talk for hours on end on endless topics. He was very driven and determined to succeed, despite he was struggling throughout the way. I admired him back then. I'm hoping to find someone like him, but who will actually stick around, be genuinely good to me, and will be true, regardless of his credentials.
When he said that in his breakup letter, it truly made me wonder, "does he know what he is talking about??" He said we were both desperate people where he was hoping to find a girlfriend to make him less lonely and I looking for a life partner. I was mad when I read that. He can say that for himself but definitely not for me. It took me a year and a half to finally open up to him and trust him enough to be his girl. If I'm as desperate as he said, I would've fallen for him the first moment we met, no questions asked. THAT would've been desperate. Frankly speaking, I didn't have any high hopes when we first started and I thought this would just going to last a month or so. Over 4 years together, I grew to love him more and more. I'm the kind of girl who doesn't like to open up unless I'm sure you mean no harm and you are trust-worthy. I was scared to start a relationship. I had a fair share of weird guys so it took me a long time to see that he was not one of them. And he didn't disappoint me.
He had been so sweet and loving. We were in love and he asked me if I would marry him later on, when he becomes a bit more well off. First time he asked, it was at our 6-month dating anniversary. I was really surprised when he even popped out a promise ring (yes, he was nervously shaking when he gave me that... so sweet). I wasn't sure at the time because it was so fast and I understood it was just the excitement of a new relationship that was doing the talking. I told him, "we can discuss that when you are ready". After a year or so, he brought the marriage topic up and he said he was planning to make me his "wifey". We both smiled and at that moment, I knew in his eyes, he meant it. Before I moved across the Pacific for work in hopes to earn more money and to help him develop his business, he gave me another promise ring when I leave. He promised to love me for a long time and we would work hard together for our future. He also promised that the next ring would be THE ring. As much as I really don't want to move and be away from him, I needed to work towards our future and his business while he works his day job to finance his side business. I thought it was a short-term move and again, thought there was a mutual understanding between us. After I got a job, I secretly started to save up for our wedding as well because all along, I thought he was serious of us and it would be appropriate to start saving bit by bit so it wouldn't stress him out too much when we actually do the planning. Everytime, I flew back to see him, we would walk around his neighborhood and we would plan which building to rent and whatnot... what to do after he gets off work everyday where we can walk the dog along the promenade and get some icecream... home-cooking.... everything was just beautiful to me. I felt loved by him. I didn't expect him to do a lot for me but as long as I know I'm in part of his life planning, I'm already content. Simple as that.
Everything now is down the gutter. Dreams shattered and the harsh reality kicks in. I'm left with 2 of his so-called "promise rings" that symbolize his broken promises, alone across the Pacific. He said to me at the time of breakup that he had learned NOT to promise anything from now on and he said all those sweet things to me was because he THOUGHT these would be what I wanted to hear. It broke my heart to a million pieces to know it was all fake. For someone who didn't expect to get married, he sure painted me a beautiful picture of what our future would be like, and then he decided to single-handedly tear everything apart.
I don't think he will ever understand how much damage he did to me until he actually goes through the exact same treatment - putting you on top of the world and then drag you down to hell.
My ex didn't wait a second after our breakup before he started picking up girls at the bars and clubs. At first, I was damaged to a point where I kept crying everyday. Slowly, the interval between each cry gets longer and longer, I'm starting to see things at a more objective way. It's been almost 5 months since I last saw him and I finally didn't have to have swollen eyes every other day.
One time, I went to a fortune-teller to see what the hell has happened to him and why this relationship ended so abruptly. The oracle said he is not as mature as I thought he is, and will easily be influenced by others. At first, I didn't believe because knowing him for 6 years, he has been very mature than anyone I know (friend-wise). He was always so responsible, caring, determined, genuine... (but then again, how can I be sure he wasn't fake all along?) Now I can see the immaturity. He has been going to different clubs very often and in a way, I think he is going through a belated quarter-life crisis where he has to find his meaning of living and "be cool" before he can get settle down. I feel this late-coming urge to "party" of his is a proof to others that he can be fun and sexy, instead of the old mature, gentleman side of him.
What he is now is a complete opposite to his beliefs, his sayings, and even behaviors in the past. To me, this is scary because I cannot believe he can change so drastically so fast. He is a different person to me now. Perhaps he is happier now.
That's fine.
I hope he will find his sense of self-worth in all these club-hopping and late-night parties.
I should've known better but I chose to turn a blind eye to everything in the past 4 years together. As cheesy as I'm going to sound, I believe TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!! That is true IF the other person feels the same way. I have no doubt he felt the same in the beginning.... when passion, sparks, and excitement were all there. Time flies... and so is his love.
I should've known when he stopped helping me trying to facilitate our relationship with his family. I was like the idiot trying to please a 'queen' who had condemned me to exile (for reasons that really didn't even make sense). Standing afar looking at my failed effort to struggle to make things better between me and his family, he gave up long ago.
I should've known when he would rather go on trips than to visit me. (Yes, we are in a long-distance relationship for the later half of our time together ... but that will be another topic another day) He didn't visit once since I moved but I had flew back to see him at least 3 times within less than 2 years (13-hour flight!!) whenever I could be excused from work. I naively thought as a good girlfriend, I should support him to have fun, to do what he loves. Because he wasn't at his greatest place financially, I didn't want to create anymore pressure for him. As much as I really missed him and dying to see him, I decided to support him to visit places he would like to visit and have fun.
I should've known when he kept missing our little webcam rendez-vous. He decided to get drunk instead. I thought.. again, very naive.... that he must have a very bad day at work or very upset about his business or even his relationship with his family. My point to do webcam was to make him realize even though I'm not there physically, my heart will always be with him and let him know that I still really care for him and willing to listen to his day's ups and downs. He had all the liberty to choose when to go online with me. But at the end, he said it was all too constraining for him... it had become a routine instead of something he wanted to do.
I should've known when he said I should stand up on my own, I should take care of myself... he didn't even show any feelings when I told him my ex contacted me again.
Everything doesn't seem to matter when you are in love. You tend to find every excuse in your head to make yourself NOT to believe the harsh reality. Now in retrospect, actions do speak louder than words. All his sweet nothings were all contradicting his behaviors.
After my breakup, people often ask me, "What have you learned?"
At first, I really didn't know... after all, it came too suddenly and I didn't even have a say or a chance to fight back... but now I know.
I have learned even when you whole-heartedly want to help your loved one and you want nothing more than helping him/her to strive for his/her dream ... and you have tried anyway possible to make it easier for him/her ... it all comes down to this: it's not how much you are willing to do, it's up to that person if he/she is willing to accept how much you do. It means nothing if he/she doesn't want it. It's that simple. Everything you do, at the end, becomes meaningless.
Do I regret what I have done for him? Definitely not. He was my love and that was a good enough reason for me. I suppose I'm the kind of girl who believes in "always stand behind your man through thick and thin". Looking at him frustrated and upset when he struggled to achieve his dream, it was hard. I wanted to be those couples who fight through rough times together and share their "fruits" of their harvest later on. (but who are we kidding here? How many men, after they become filthy rich, will stay with their wife whole-heartedly... without having a young bimbo on the side? or How many women these days are willing to fight with their then-boyfriend when they cannot afford to buy expensive clothes or jewelry to please them?)
Do I feel disappointed? Yes. Not because of the possibility that he will make it big and I wouldn't be able to share with him... I really didn't care for that. I'm disappointed because he said "I didn't support him".
That was one of the most heartbreaking things he said to me when we broke up.
Started a blog years ago when she was single. She dropped her blog because she found love. Now freshly single recently, she decides to start another blog to vent about her breakup. After all, blogs are easier to start and maintain... but that is not the same for relationship...
(and perhaps fashion?)
