Now this calls for a celebration! 100th post on my birthday! WOO HOO!!

Actually, yesterday was my 31st birthday. I had a simple one. Had a very nice Italian dinner (huge fan of pastas) at my favorite Italian restaurant. Nothing spectacular but I felt loved. Lots of friends left me birthday shoutouts on my facebook, sent me emails, sent me text messages to my iphone, called me... and some even mailed me gifts from Canada and US! I will be meeting up with my close friends here this coming week for "Progressing into womanhood" celebrations (that's how they want to address my birthday dinners...)! I also rekindled with a couple of long lost friends from highschool yesterday too as they left me birthday messages on fb, and we immediately planned to get together to catch up next next week here in Hong Kong.

Suddenly, I feel so loved and I'm suddenly in the centre of attention. Love it. It's been a while I feel that way since I moved from Vancouver.

How's 31 treating me so far? EXACTLY like 29. I will stay "29" in my mind forever. I traveled quite a bit when I was 30. My 31 plan... this will be my "learning" year. I will be starting my year-long Intro Italian course next week. I think having Spanish background will give me an advantage on Italian. When I completed the whole Introductory, Intermediate, and Advance certificates, I will go to Italy again. That's my goal. Then, I'm also thinking of taking introductory drama class at the local performing arts college. I hope my work schedule will allow it... if not this coming term, I will try to see if I can squeeze into the fall term. I'm also thinking of taking cooking classes... Lots of things I want to learn...

Screw D!! Screw W!!

(Well...if I learn baking, I can BAKE my cake and eat it too!!)

Since the news of Whitney's death, this song suddenly popped up in my head. I'm not a huge fan of Whitney but I love this song from her. I can fully understand the lyrics in these songs now, the meaning behind them. It's like a female-empowering soundtrack.

I have been in hiding from writing blogs for a while. I find that if I have nothing to write about, I better not write it at all...

I have been feeling... nothing. Absolutely nothing... for quite sometime now. No highs, no lows. No motivations, no depression. No anger, no smile-from-the-heart neither. I'm pretty sick of this feeling. You might wonder, am I having a relapse of my ex again? No... not really...

Actually... a little. Not my ex, who JUST left me... but the guy before him, D. I dreamed of him several nights ago. I remembered our times together when we were in school. I had a huge crush on him through the semester. By the time I found out he feels the same, it was already too late. We were a couple for a short time before he left for grad school. It was short... too short. I'm starting to think if my ex, W, was right... I was just desperate. Not desperate to have a life partner, but rather for someone to fill that void D has left me. I never had any second thought about W at all. When I was with him, I was with him 100%. No second-thoughts, no temptations... and I was ready to spend my life with him.

After this huge disappointment and heartache W has caused me, I started to think, if D and I were together, maybe none of this gut-wretching pain would happen... maybe we would have been married already... maybe I'm already a mom or so... or maybe... maybe...we would end up in the same place as we are right now. He is still living in Vancouver... I guess things will end up the same as it is right now.

D is still single (yes, I facebook-stalked him and a mutual friend told me so. She is also a mutual friend with W as well... but D and W have no connections at all). I once wondered if I should get my friend to re-connect D and I again. But then, this idea soon fades. If I so desperately wanted to re-connect with D, would I be using D as a rebound?

Honestly, I understand that things can never be the same again. What we had back in college is long over. My time in his life has passed. I was only the tiniest chapter in his life. I blamed myself for not pulling myself together and confess earlier (but I also blamed him for being such chicken-shit).

Everything is meant to be, meant to happen. As if the route has already been mapped out for us. Every decision we make, is just like a direction that is pointing to where we need to, or destine to go. I loved D, but I loved W more. But they ended up both leaving me behind. I always wonder if I have done something terribly wrong before ... when it seems so easy for all the people around me to find the right guy... even when some of my friends sleep with other guys behind their boyfriend... whereas, I have to keep hitting walls when I'm totally devoted.

Maybe the guy who is the one for me aren't them. Maybe D and W are just the obstacles I need to go through before I finally understand myself and be content with who I am, so I won't screw up my destined relationship. I really hope this guy will not be far away... because I'm really tired. Tired of this numbness.

On a happier note (for others), tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I wish you all a very romantic Valentine's with your love. As for me, the singles...

... this is EXACTLY what I'm going to do.