I was at my best friend's wedding last night. I sat through the whole reception alone (because my friend had to leave for her dinner meeting). Everyone asked me where's my date and surprised to know I came with no dates. I think the news somehow spreaded out on its own...(as if there's a jackpot that was unclaimed or something...) My bride's friends are starting to tell me they know of some single AND decent guys and want to introduce me to... and a couple guys introduce themselves to me ... all surprised (or at least have the heart to pretend) to know that I'm single. One guy even said straight up that he thinks I'm beautiful. (?!?!?! ... Yeah, I know... I was shocked out of my skin. Flattered but at the same time, skeptical...)

Anyways, it was a fun night. Seeing my best friend marrying to a nice and caring guy, I couldn't be more happy for them. And then also having a round of ego-boost sure made my night. I didn't expect that I can even have the power to attract a bunch of late 20's guys (26 and 27 to be exact)... all decked out in suits... it was a fun night, getting all the attentions.

Hmmm... I think I should start wearing more dresses now...

Met some new people at a friend's drink thing on the weekend.

A guy friend of my friend said to me, "I don't know how your ex can leave you. He must be a fool."

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "My ex said the EXACT same thing as you did before we dated... but he chooses to be a (air quote) 'fool' now. And I think he is totally alright with that."

It is actually quite funny to hear the exact same line but from a different guy's mouth. Maybe guys do think alike? Or it's just another cheesy pick up line?

Currently I'm contemplating if I should visit home later this year. I need a break from work (despite my Europe trip) because it is quite draining. I haven't seen my good friends for long time and I definitely miss the comfort of being in Vancouver. Vancouver will always be my home... my safe haven... my hiding place for me to breathe. People always say Vancouver is boring... but it's always when you leave it and then you will realize how lucky you have always been. You never learn to cherish until it leaves you. I never want to leave Vancouver but because I haven't had the best luck in getting a decent job... I have to go elsewhere. If Vancouver has a better job offer, I will be back in no time.

Anyways, I'm still thinking because going back and seeing all the familiar places where fond memories were made... will it bring tears to my eyes? or will it help me accept that things have past and that I have entered a new chapter in my life?

Decisions... decisions...

It's been a while since I had a reading and I have been feeling pretty clueless as to where I should go or what I should do to find my next love possibility. A friend referred me to her friend's tarot reader a month ago... but not until a few days ago I finally couldn't stand this feeling of uncertainties anymore.

I have had tarot readings before but mainly like a one question thing. You go in, you ask a question, you pay, you get out kind of deal.

This time, I decided to get a full reading. Before we began, she asked me what do I want to know... Knowing myself, nothing is more important than relationship (I know... don't judge me). The reader told me to pick out a full 10-card spread.

Without anything being said beforehand, the cards were revealed...

MAGICIAN and TEN OF SWORDS on my side. "This has really not been an easy relationship for you...", she said at the first glance. "You wanted to turn the relationship around for the better so badly for many times and you have been striving and working hard to make things better for the both of you. You didn't want to give up but it has been a very difficult road for you all along... And it definitely didn't help because you got the most painful card - ten of swords. As you can see on the card, there are 10 swords all stabbing towards the heart in the middle. The pain must have been excruciating..."

At that point, my tears just came rolling down. I didn't even know why I cried. I apologized for my behavior (as this is not like me to cry in front of a stranger... ) but she said I have to let it out because I cannot keep it locked and pretend everything is fine. I guess I was amazed how the cards showed how I felt all along. It was painful to see after everything was finished, I walked out with nothing.

Then on the other side, which represents the other person in the relationship... meaning my ex, there are the CHANGE card and the LOVE card. She explained that he was back and forth in the relationship and still is. And he still has love for me but he is not strong enough to do anything for me or fight for me. I asked will the LOVE card represents that he is loving someone else now? She explained this spread is about me. If he is loving another person, it will be a card showing he has withdrawn his love away from me... this LOVE card represents the love feeling he has for me.

She then goes on explaining his personalities and what is affecting him... it was surprisingly accurate. He has too much ties and restrictions that are preventing him to move, be it the outside factors or his own inner self. They somehow force him to stay in the same stagnant pool, as dark as the SEVEN of DISKS. Even if he wants to fight, it was too strong for him and he wasn't ready.

The fortune teller said the whole spread was full of helplessness vibe. I have been trying to hold on and trying to turn things for the better for the both of us but he, on the other hand, has too much ties that are pulling him down, preventing him to move or fight. She said it was just unfortunate because love is on both sides... no one cheats... but somehow it just didn't work for both of us and couldn't bring us together. It was painful to hear but at the same time, it felt like a release... like finally someone understands instead of telling me "he wasn't worth it!" or "you will find someone better" or "move on!!"

Because tarot cannot predict the future but merely a map or a mirror of your inner self to let you understand more and make you see clearly to continue on. I got the PRINCESS OF WANDS and QUEENS OF SWORDS. I have what it takes to move on and make a wise decision but I have too much doubts in me. They keep pulling me back whenever I want to move forward. I am too vulnerable at this point to move on with someone new because I am not ready, I have lost interests in everything around me, and I have lost trust and the sense of security in relationship. This is very accurate.

She asked me to ask myself.... truthfully and honestly... if I want to continue on with my ex. She said there is a card (which I cannot remember which it was) showing there is still a possibility that things can heal between us. But I need to ask myself if I want to go back to the same thing again. I said, "this is really not up to me to say... if he doesnt' want me, I can't do anything". She said, "no, this is up to you because you are now deciding if YOU want to work for this relationship again..." I paused.

She said, "I think you already have an answer in your mind."

For now, the advice for me is to get the passion for life back again. She can see I have lost the appreciation of life and cannot see anything that excites me. I'm indifferent to everything... Even though I feel fine now... but I cannot say I'm feeling any deep feelings or anything from the heart. Everything seems surface. She said I need to find my focus.... my interests.... my passion back, be it a hobby or career because even when a new guy presents himself in front, I wouldn't be able to see. I would be so numb to detect.

Before I leave, she said to me, "I think it's better to feel pain and let it out than feeling all numb inside... like what you are feeling right now. This is not healthy."

I thought I was doing so well... but I never know I'm still this fragile.

A total WTF. This is the absolute FIRST time I had a dream of pregnancy. It felt so real. Funny though, he was out of the picture (even in my dream) and I decided to raise this baby as a single mom. In my dream, I was super excited and have never felt so motherly. Even though people around me in my dream worried if I could raise the baby on my own, I was so sure of myself. I don't know why my ex wasn't even in the dream but that feeling of confidence that I have and the certainty of myself that I would be able to take care of this baby made me feel strong when I woke up that morning.

This is such a weird dream. Again, my ex decided to pop up out of nowhere again and I am super intrigued to know what this dream signifies. I think maybe it's because a few of my friends are expecting, so that's why....

What do you think?

Knowing something is bad for you... going to ruin your life... and yet something, somehow is pushing you towards that and at the end, you decide to give in... Does that mean you have let your heart rule your head? or are you just easily-tempted?

Back to my dear friend. She has been back and forth on whether she should meet up with the new guy, who came for a work trip. I was texting her nonstop at work a few days ago, telling her to stop and think. I told her if her boyfriend does find out, he will leave her. She is a bit worried but at the same time, she has a huge urge to see this new guy because to her, he represents the freedom and excitement she has been longing for ... that allows her to break free from the daily grind. Everything seems mundane to her now and she gets bored very easily. I told her if she ends up with this new guy, a couple years down the road, it will be the same thing all over again... where she needs to find another new guy to ease her boredom. I have known her since grade 8 and I know she is constantly afraid of solitude and stability. (She thinks I'm weird why I don't feel bored when I'm alone because I don't go out much. Well... I keep myself busy at home... there are just so much things to do!! ... painting... watching tv... online shopping... chatting with oversea friends... I guess I'm a stay-at-home girl...)

As mentioned in my last post, a good friend of mine is cheating on her boyfriend with a guy she met on her trip. Now, the guy is coming to visit her. She has been asking me if she should see him.... what to wear (yes, even the lingerie part...) ... etc. I found the whole thing pretty repulsive but then she is my dear friend, I have to listen to her. I don't agree and I don't understand but it's her life. She has a stable boyfriend with a good professional job. She is smart enough to know that her boyfriend will be the one she will get married to, eventually. However, he doesn't provide her with the passion she needs and the excitement she craves. After all, after years of dating, the format of the relationship is bound to change from passion to stable companionship.

Seeing how hard the boyfriend is trying to keep her, it makes me feel sorry for him. He knows she has something fishy going on behind but he still decides to turn a blind eye on it. But then by how "cowardly" he is when dealing with the whole situation, I don't feel THAT sorry for him. If you cannot even fight for what you love, and decides to just cowardly pretends nothing is happening... I don't think the person is strong enough.

Anyways, the new guy is probably here now and I think my friend is going to meet up with him, while her boyfriend is still at work... working his butt off for their future. I have tried to talk my friend out of meeting this person so many times but I think the new excitement will probably drive her to see him. I have told her if she really doesn't like her boyfriend, just break up with him. There's really no need to drag the poor guy on when you have no feelings for him. She understands but she cannot do it. She still loves him. He is the kind of guy who is good on papers, up to her parents' standards, a professional... While the new guy is, a typical "passion guy" where he will text her with NUMEROUS mushy messages (I have seen them... boy... I thought my ex was THE most mushy guy... now this guy makes my ex looked like a stone-cold guy). He is all tattooed up and he is one of those typical bad boys. (But then my friend isn't the purest girl... she drinks and smokes... and used to get drunk frequently. )

The two of them are pretty much the same type of people. Now my question in my head is... will this tattoo guy really THE one for her because after all, they share the same "hobbies" and they both crave the passion and excitements that a relationship (or a fling) can give them? She doesn't plan on being together with this tattoo guy for a long time but yet she doesn't want to marry her current boyfriend neither. She cheated her ex ex boyfriend to be with her ex boyfriend...and then she cheated on her ex boyfriend to be with her current boyfriend. I told her before "once a cheater, always a cheater." She smiled while having her cigarette, "you are just too simple and naive."

Sigh... I don't understand why people make relationship so difficult and complicated. Life is hard enough ... why make more troubles for yourself?

Perhaps I am too simple and conservative but I always feel in order to build a long-term relationship, you cannot jump ship when things get tough... or in her case, when things get a bit stable/boring. Relationship needs work and together you build something that is meaningful to both.