The clock just passed 2:15am as I'm writing this. I actually just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm tired and exhausted but I couldn't seem to rest my mind... and I have to work in the morning!!
I woke up because my subconscious has pulled me back down again. It's like a reminder that comes whenever you have nothing on your mind that will cause that same familiar pain, and suddenly re-appear to tell you "this is not over".
We were walking on the same street we used to go through when we go back to his apartment. We were admiring the cool breeze while holding hands and talking about how nice the apartments in this neighborhood and how lovely to be living in these places in the future. A usual stroll we did. I loved to squeeze his hand and said "SQUEEZE!" and he would squeeze back and say the same thing, all the while we carry our conversation. We were silly back then. Then I suddenly do a silly power-walk (which I would always do to see if he will run after me). It would always catch him off guard and he would say, "what the...?" and tried to catch up behind me. He caught up and grabbed my hand tightly, and teased me "Gotcha! I'm not letting you go!! You are not going anywhere... You are mine!! HA HA!"
I woke up. It feels like yesterday we did that little stroll in the neighborhood. I haven't thought of him for quite a while now so why suddenly pull me back again? The past keeps on pulling me back and the pain has kept me missing out the present, and makes me wonder if the future will still be this fragile and vulnerable. I know that he has long-forgotten about all the details between us and it frustrates me why I still have this photographic memory of us that I can't seem to take out as easy as he did. They were sweet memories but they hurt as if being stabbed or betrayed. It's weird because if I'm living these past sweet moments, I should feel happy, but I'm not. I couldn't stop the tears. And it is especially draining when it's after more than one goddamn year...
I'm sick of this and I'm really tired of this. I can be strong consciously by putting my mind full force on work and other things in life but I can't fight when they attack me when my conscious is resting. That's when I'm the most vulnerable.
2:40am... I hope I can get some undisturbed sleep. And let's hope makeup will work its magic and cover my swollen eyes.
Bad flashback.. You know what - my ex is in London to visit her new "love", i'm sitting @ our flat right now and it should really hurt.. I should go crazy for this.. But I'm not! I think I still love her (of course in an totaly different way than before - and it won't ever be same again), I feel no hate. Nothing. And I'm not upset because I realized that the past 9 years were the best of my life.
And I'm really glad that I've got this relationship. But now it's over... And I'wont miss a moment. But it's past. A sweet memory. I don't know what she's thinking right now or if she's missing me.. It's strange - but I'm not worried about that. For me the way I'm dealing with this situation counts. Life has to go on.. It always goes on!
It's better to have this memories and to know that you know what love is and how it can be.. Not everyone does!
Btw.: I'm going to visit the West Coast. So more tips are welcome.. ;D
One more thing to add:
Here is a small quote. I really like it and I think it describes what I mean...
"Wir leben zu sehr in der Vergangenheit, haben Angst vor der Zukunft und vergessen dabei völlig die Gegenwart zu genießen."
(Sorry - but if you want to understand this you have to deal with the German language - I do the same with English so it's fair, isn't it?? :))
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWwAY61_Dy4&feature=related <<< watch this...
"I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know"
>>> she's so damn right..
@ Martin: I have the exact same Lauryn Hill song on my repeat playlist! One of my fave post-breakup songs of all time! Her lyrics speak so right on. I have more breakup songs than those lovey-dovey songs. i think it's sad and they make me sad when I listen but they feel so right and all make sense.
Anyways, as for your German quote, I got it. i used a translator and got the meaning out of it. It's true. I think I was so used to living in the past because the past was a happy time for me and knowing that I will not ever get it back, makes me very frustrated and upset. And while I'm soaking myself in this misery, I'm missing out what's happening in the present. I know I should move out of this misery... and I am but one little thing can trigger a whole landslide of emotions. It's overwhelming and I'm exhausted because I have never felt this vulnerable before.
@Martin: As for your trip to west coast Canada, are you going to stay purely at British Columbia? What kind of tips are you looking for? And when are you going?
Mhhhh good question.
I plan to visit CA in the middle of the next year.
Soo its really far in the future. And u know what - maybe I should start to inform myself a bit more about the country before asking u for tips. ;D
I'm thinking of an trip for mabye 3 or 4 weeks. And I will combine big cities with pure nature. Thats also the reason why I want to visit this country..
And deep inside I hope to find a nice place out of Europe to live at..
sorry for the ordinary shit! got my personal flashback yesterday...
Hey,
I'm feeling really bad because of what I've written..
Dont know how emotions could take control.. U cant do anything against these power.. They control u and u only can let it happen..
All I want to say - I think we've find a way to safe sth. really special. And it needed so much pain to get there..
I think we will share our life till we die.. Not in a relationship but in a way not so many people know.. I'm so proud that I could save this.. And I'll never let it go..
Maybe - I dont know - u're intrested in some more details. And, well, u told us so much from u... And u helped me to understand some things.. If u should be interested in some more informations - let me know. I would tell u if u want..
Why? Mmmhh because u did the same for me.. Even if it wasnt the reason for u to start this blog. But u gave me the chance to find it.. If u wouldnt have done this, I would never know about it.. So - I want to offer u the same. To show u that u're able to influence people with ur stuff. A totally stranger did to me.. with his own storie..
Thank U!
@ Martin: I just want to say that it was unpleasant to find that previous comment on my blog. I was just here to express my thoughts and I found a comment which I don't even understand in the first place, and full of @#$#^$&#. I know you are in pain but I don't think it's appropriate to "ruin" other people's space. I do welcome you to open a blog as an online diary so you can express your stories or pain or emotions. That way, you can also get others to see and understand you.
I respect all my readers and I welcome all to share their feelings as well but I hope my readers can also respect my little blog as well.
As a little sorry, I want to share this with u:
“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad itseems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned thatyou can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned thatregardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they'regone from your life. I've learned that making a living is not the same thing asmaking a life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on bothhands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that wheneverI decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I'velearned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned thatevery day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, orjust a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what youdid, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou Quotes