I'm back from my trip. Yes, you read it correctly. It wasn't a bitter-sweet trip, but rather a sweet-bitter trip... first came sweet, last came bitter. The sweet part is where I was able to see all my closest friends. I was out every day with different friends to different places for amazing food. It was so good to catch up with everyone of them and I can't tell you how grateful I am for each of them to take the time out to meet up with me, even just a coffee at Starbucks in the middle of their busy work day...
For me, everything comes down to effort. And I appreciate all my friends' efforts and taking time out to see me and being so understanding and arrange according to my limited time schedule.
The bitter part is, again, from my ex. He didn't come out to see me. Not even a quick lunch... not even a coffee. Everyone I know thought he would come out to meet up with me. Everyone expected he would AT LEAST ask me out for a coffee because I have been telling everyone I would be coming back. He didn't. Fine. I thought I should be the bigger person and started a conversation on Facebook to see if he is interested to grab a quick lunch with me. He said no. He said he is very busy and "fully booked for the weekends". I knew I would set myself up for a big disappointment if he said no... but knowing I'm the kind of person if I don't try, I would kick myself later.... I thought I might as well give it a try. No biggie.... right? Turns out, there was one night where I was out with my friends having dessert after dinner at a wine bar, he was just a few blocks down having dessert himself too. You call that "very busy"? Fucking lie.
No shit. I was disappointed. He got this new job so his schedule is more or less fixed. I hate it that my mind I have always created this massive library of excuses in order to explain why he wouldn't come out. I understood his new job might need him to use a lot of afterwork hours to prep... Fine. I let that one go.
Just 3 days before I leave, the temptation of asking my ex came again. I had to invite a friend of mine to dinner on Wednesday so I wouldn't surrender to THE urge. However, my friend had to cancel our dinner on Tuesday night because he couldn't finish his essay for his Friday night class. I knew I would be tempted to ask my ex out again. I didn't want to get hurt again so I immediately called on the same Tuesday night another friend to replace. She said she would gladly join me for dinner the next night. I felt relieved for some reason. However, on Wednesday, she texted me she had to cancel dinner as she was feeling very sick the whole night... vomiting and having stomachache... doctor said she had a bad case of stomach flu. I thought to myself, "is this like a sign that I should ask my ex again?" I didn't know what to do and tried to walk around town in order to clear this urge.
By Wednesday afternoon, I still couldn't find anyone to join me for dinner that night. Since my ex was the only one left I haven't seen on this trip, I surrendered. I texted him and casually invite him for a quick dinner as "I'll be leaving this Friday". He said no, as he already has dinner plans. Needless to say, my heart shattered. I felt like I was begging, "my friend cancelled on me because of flu... so I have no dinner tonight..." But he replied, "That's terrible. Sorry to hear."
I didn't even reply. There's really no point. I never thought I would mean absolutely nothing to him. No I-can't-make-it-tonight-but-how-about-a-quick-coffee-tomorrow? or no-dinner-tonight?-do-you-want-to-join-me-and-my-friends?... I wouldn't even leave any of my friend dinner-less if I know about their situation... let alone someone who has been with you, through thick and thin, for 4 years?
I couldn't believe it. None of my friends expected his reaction. None. I knew I shouldn't expect anything from him as we aren't couple anymore, and I also understand I set myself up for this, but I was truly shocked. From "if you ever feel that you have no one to talk to, I'll always be there for you" in his breakup letter, to a mere "sorry to hear [that you have no dinner tonight]", my heart was completely shattered. I was disappointed in him, but more so at myself. I have time and time again allow myself to be hurt by him. I always would find numerous excuses and reasons to explain away his indifference. I kept having faith in him that even if we couldn't be a couple, we could still be normal friends. But when you know you mean absolutely nothing to someone who you have loved more than life itself, it was devastating. That Wednesday night, I ordered take-out from a neighbourhood sushi bar. While waiting for pick up, I went back to my car and cried. It was pouring rain out and I was cold and felt so alone. I was very angry at myself, asking myself constantly "WHY? Why set myself for this pain again?" I felt so useless... so shitty... That night, even my favorite sushi didn't even have any taste to it.
That was the last straw for me. I'm done. The next day's evening, I drove to the beach alone where we used to go. It was so dark and so quiet but I could see all the sparkling lights on the opposite shore. I looked up to the sky and said, "From this day onward, he will mean nothing to me. I'm done. I have enough. Please let me go..."
Since I'm back from Vancouver, I have deleted him off my Facebook (I really doubt he will notice my absence on his lengthy friend list of different women). I have finally deleted his contact info in my iPhone, ripped the page with his contact into off my phone/address book, deleted the last photos and videos of us together which I have been holding on so dearly even long after our breakup...
I'm done. I'm really done. If he thinks he deserves to be with someone much better, then I wish him good luck.
His chapter in my life story has finally ended. I look forward to turn to a brand new chapter...
with someone who, at least, will not leave me dinner-less.
source: weheartit
