I would melt if someone did that for me... and wrapping his arms around me to keep me warm.

I find myself sounding like a broken record more and more on this blog. But in real life, I speak less and less about my breakup and my ex. I find there's no point of discussing about it anymore with my friends and family... and I have lost that "urge to share the pain" with them. To them, I'm a headstrong person and I intend to keep it that way. Frankly, I have lost the urge to talk about my ex anymore (unless it is due to unforeseen circumstances.... which I don't know what it will be.... maybe I'll talk about him soon... who knows?). Approaching a year's mark of our breakup anniversary, I really think it's about time for me to go back out to the dating game. My friend last night had warned me again that we (me and her) are not getting any younger. As our friends around are either getting married and some are also having babies, I have to do something with myself instead of sulking in the rut which I have been in for a year. She has been trying to introduce me to some of her boyfriend's friends. I wasn't in the mood to meet any of them. (And needless to say, I dropped the idea of hoping things would happen with that "poster boy" yoga instructor as well. What's the point??!) As a girl approaching the big "three-O" VERY VERY SOON, I think people around me are getting more desperate for me than myself. I like to just leave it in the hands of fate but people around me aren't feeling it. If it's meant to be, it will be. He will come.

Before, even the thought of not being together with my ex scared me. I just couldn't imagine how devastated I would be if it comes true. I never really want to even remotely think about it... the thought was just too dreadful... so I tried my very best to be as good as a girlfriend as I possibly could... trying to make him happy.

But when it actually happened, I thought I would never be able to continue. I felt so lost. I lost him and I also lost myself. I found out without him, I didn't know what I want. Basically all my life goals had something to do with him or our future. In order for me to make a decision, I would contemplate to see if this decision of mine would be beneficial to him. I wanted to "plan" our life so that everything could fall into place as we progress with our careers... and make it easier for him. Because I was so into setting this heart-warming image in my head of us together, I forgot to even do a reality check... to see if he was also on board.

When I found out he was not, it was too late. He made a decision of his own already.

Now, things have settled. We are apart. It's a fact. He is not going to come back. That's a fact.

I'm fine. And I'm going to be fine... Because I need to continue to explore what life has to offer.

Just when I thought I was over it... I dreamed of this flashback last night. This is what he said when I was asking him what happened if one day he gets tired of me.

And I woke up this morning with tears on my pillow and tear marks on my face. (Apparently, you can cry in your dreams.)

What I have been trying hard to hold down in the subconscious has found its way to burst through... as if consciously suppressing is not enough.

She always wants to date young professionals but all her previous boyfriends... (not even sure if I could address them as her BFs because they never make it 'official' with her) She recently met an orthodontist and she fell head-over-heel for him. He takes relationship very seriously as he is in his early thirties... he is also looking for a wife. Things between them are looking good, as you know, when the other person also has feelings for you...that feeling is the sweetest. I thought he would be a great match for her: He is a young professional who is very serious about making someone his wife. BUT!!! He made it very clear to her that while he is dating her, he HAS TO also date other girls. He explains, he needs to make a WISE and INFORMED life decision and by dating all these different girls simultaneously, he will be able to pick the best girl with the best wife-qualities. He told her, if things didn't work out between [N] and him, it would mean, they are not meant to be.... it would be "part of life". After I heard what N had told me, all I could say was "I applaud him for being honest but he is a real fxxxing jerk. He is justifying his multi-dating behavior and you are just ONE OF HIS MANY WOMEN!! How can you even want to be with him?!" She believes what he said was true and she is willing to 'compete' with others for his love.

She has a good and stable relationship with her boyfriend for a couple years. She is the kind of girl who is very afraid to be bored. Back then, she would change her boyfriend whenever she feels she is not getting any excitement from her guy. She had "overlapped" 2 guys before (meaning dating 2 at the same time). Her current boyfriend is her longest one. She even admits to me she didn't even know why she would stick around that long. She thought she was getting older so that's why she needs to be with someone for long. However, 2 months ago, she fell in love with her co-worker but the thing is, this colleague of her is married. A newly-wed guy. He is so in love with his wife where he is doing all the chores at home for her so she wouldn't need to lift a finger (Frankly, that sounds too weird for me) . My friend is yearning for something she can't have, and that makes it very exciting for her. I have been trying to make her see what a good boyfriend she has by her side, but I think her fear of being bored had tempted her to ruin someone else's marriage. Whenever she asks me if she should send that married guy a gift or stuff... I would tell her to stop wasting time. She is missing something good she already has. She didn't like my comments but then I think she knows if she actually ruined that guy's marriage and ended up being with him, she would get bored after a while. Then what?? I was so relieved that she finally listens and stop doing anything stupid. Now she is back to her boyfriend. I guess making her see "You don't know what you got until it's gone" actually works. (CHEESY? YES, but it's the truth.)

She and her boyfriend were so in love on the outside but inside, she had told me her boyfriend has no plans to move the relationship any further. Because her boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage, she knows she is not going to be able to change him. She tries to change her belief for him. She tries to make herself NOT want to get married with him. But she realizes she can't. She wants to make it official. Her boyfriend had confessed that he wanted no one but her, but she knows it is a moment of passion. He is younger than her and in every way, his behavior is not matching up to her. He is not aggressive enough but she always wants to get ahead of things. They argued and take time apart a lot. She knows this is not going to change... even marriage would not change. She decided to end the relationship all together. She was heart-broken even though she initiated it but she told me she wanted someone who is willing to commit. She told me my breakup had scared her a bit. My ex and I were stable but he could all of a sudden just take off like that. She is afraid without the "official seal", she will have nothing left to guarantee the years they spent together if he, one day, decides to go for another woman.

She is always the "power player" in a relationship. All the men she had been with, treated her like a queen. She earns a lot and she knows how to spend her money. Her dating history includes successful bankers, charter accountants....etc. She only date older men because she knows she will get pampered like a queen (younger guys, she will need to take care of them). And needless to say, some of these men are married men. She is very smart and she never needs a man to buy expensive bags and clothes for her because she could take care of them herself.... in a way, she is not dependent at all. Men can come and go but she will always have fancy clothes! She recently dated an pro-athlete. This guy wanted to impress her by wearing all those expensive watches... Rolex, Patek Phillippe, Raymond Weil...etc when they go out. But during one of their getaways, she discovered that the majority of his watches are fake. She was furious and she flew back by herself the next day. She was mad that he lied straight to her face when she confronted him. She doesn't know why this guy needs to buy fake watches in order to please her. She told me she would still be with him if he was just wearing a normal watch. I guess, maybe it's the image she is portraying to others?

I always feel content that my love life was stable... yes, WAS. I never liked the idea of "wondering eyes" while you are dating your current one. Again, perhaps my dating belief is way too simple and conservative for the current days but I believe if I'm in love, I should be putting all my faith and trust in this person. Risky as putting all eggs in one basket? Yes, but if you invest all your eggs in different baskets, when are you going to have enough to fill all baskets? At the end of the day, you will have many baskets but half-filled.

Anyways, people always say when you are sick, you would be in the most fragile state. I thought I would be missing my ex more during this time. Apparently not. I didn't think of him once for a week. Perhaps my meds and my clouded-up head (because of my heavy cold) had blocked all little traces of him in my mind. I've never felt so peaceful in my head. Working hard in meeting after meeting, I had no down time. In between work, I would be blowing my nose.

My heavy cold/flu had made me more productive than ever!