Without a relationship, I have nothing to say. It seems like my identity or my thoughts are shaped by the presence of a relationship or lack thereof. After the "lack thereof", I have nothing. I'm back to a "blank state". I have nothing in the "love compartment" in my brain. I guess this is the time where you start off fresh and put new things in again?

But I don't seem to want to put anything in and I have no courage to put things in there again. I kind of like the serenity of my current "spotless mind". No disappointment, no sadness. No need to worry if it will hurt again, no need to worry if promises will be broken again... in a way, this is easier for the mind.

I guess not doing anything saves you from doing it wrong, right?

On Sunday, all seemed fine.

Monday, you were gone

Where do I start from here?

Where do I go from here?

How I wish you was that Sunday,

And I was just another day...

- "On Sunday" by Winterplay

Met up with a friend who I haven't seen in years a few days ago.

She will be getting married with her long-time boyfriend next Summer. (This is really not a big news for me anymore as almost half of my friends are married now or getting close to getting married.) She and her fiance are very busy working all the time and there's practically no time for wedding prep. They are both not earning much but both of them are working hard together in order to save up to buy a small apartment. They have to put aside a lot of money for down payments and for the whole wedding where they have no money left for honeymoon. She said they will go when they save enough.

I look at her talking about her wedding matters, I realize she doesn't seem to be as excited as I expected for someone who is about to get marry. She seems nonchalant. She told me the "realistic side" of the marriage has taken the fun out of getting married. It's all about money, decision-makings, planning, deadlines....etc. She envied me where I can still be able to afford to splurge on clothing or accessories whenever I can afford... and be able to afford to take trips whenever I can get away with from work... and be able to spoil my corgi like "he's the king". She envies my singlehood.

I think grass is always greener on the other side. I envy her for finding a man who is willing to take care of her and make a commitment to her. I think that's more satisfying and more valuable than any handbags you own or a closet full of fancy clothes (unfortunately, my closet is full of non -fancy clothes....crap, mainly... I think I need to clear my closet soon... sigh... I digress...).

Thorough dinner, she kept mentioning "We are not young anymore. It's time to get married!" I asked her if she is really getting married because she is ready to be with him as married couple or she wants to get married just because "it's time" to be part of the "norm"? She looked at me and said "I just feel I need to get married now or it'll be too late to have children." (Mind you, she is a couple months younger than me.... she is not even 30 yet.) To be honest, I don't think she is the only one who think this way amongst all my married friends. They get married not because of love, they get married because of TIME. Call me naive but I still think I need to get married to someone I really love... not because of time... not because it is the norm. I'd be lying if I didn't feel pressured to get married but because I have no one in sight or interested so people are trying to set me up with "what's left".... meaning the tiny pool of single guys in our social network. I don't want to feel pressured to date. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe if it's the right time, the right guy will show up. BUT! A lot of my friends are saying I'm being totally unrealistic and really should not be afraid to go into a new relationship. (I will save that topic for another day.)

Anyways, I think that's what my friend say for now because of the pre-marital stress but if we are going to switch, I don't think she would give up what she has right now.

N: She is exactly as where she is. Still waiting for the "young professional". He is still "deciding" but I can see that he is spending more and more time with her. However, because this has been going on for a long time, she is getting a little agitated that the guy still has not made it official and always suspecting when he is not with her, he will be with some other girls. (but when in fact, he was just with his friends for a guys's night). They have argued a couple of times. He wants to take time, she wants him to hurry up. So I think they are going to be like this for a little while.

J: She is still with her stable boyfriend but her heart is not on him. She likes someone else, a former coworker... a newly married guy. She has been having a crazy crush on this married guy since they started working together on a project.... even after he left the company, she still TRIED to ask him out. He is not interested but she is not letting him go. Whenever she got drunk at bars, she would not call her own boyfriend to pick her up, but this guy. I honestly really don't agree with what she is doing at all. She has a very stable boyfriend who is working hard for their future, and there she is, trying to wreck someone else's marriage. I'm starting to think that maybe being too stable is being too mundane and too easy for the other. The other person will not value you because you have made everything so easy so they don't even need to work for anything. I feel absolutely sorry for her boyfriend. I asked her before, "do you think your boyfriend know about this behavior of yours?" She said, "Of course. I know he can sense something weird going on but if he is not going to do anything, I'm not going to do anything." She is constantly unhappy because she couldn't get the person she wants. However, knowing her for years, I know she is going to get tired of this married guy eventually if he actually leaves his wife for her. She will not miss her stable boyfriend if they end up apart but she will not be happy either because there will always be someone out there who attracts her. She can't seem to be able to settle down and be satisfied.

A: Her ex wanted her back but she knew he will never be the commitment type. She did decide to give him another chance... to keep things light... as friends to see where things can take them. On the other hand, there is another guy who likes her and he has been asking her out quite frequently. She was thinking of giving her ex another chance to see if things can change, but this new guy has been very caring to her and make her happy, and willing to wait for her... she is touched. She feels this guy can give her what her ex can never give. Now that her ex is on a trip, she is now deciding if she should give her ex another chance or move on to this new guy. (But talking to her, I think she is going to move on with this new guy.)

V: She is still a "power player". She recently got a new job in a corporate and her boss is asking her out... constantly. One problem is, he is just a little younger than her dad and he is married. She is really not interested but then she is taking advantage of the situation as this will help her move up in the company. I was speechless when I heard her recent update...

Again, I think I'm the simplest of all my friends. I have nothing going on in my love life and I admit, I do feel bored at times. But sometimes, I think this is better than all the above... no?

A recent former classmate of mine broke up with her boyfriend of 10 years. They basically started dating when she was in university... and he was working right after highschool. She is now 33 and she had to break it off. The guy is devastated and she is crying everyday as well. She feels sad for having to let go of what they have built for these 10 years.

First off, Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians~ EH!!!! (hahaha~~ ... sigh... I miss home...)

Ok, back to what I wanted to say today....

Has your significant other ever told you before about how much they love your smell? Be it your lotion fragrance or perfume or even cologne or even bodywash? People say smell can trigger memories... and it is so true.

My ex used to tell me how he could "smell" me whenever he misses me. I used to wear everyday this lotion and perfume set from Crabtree & Evelyn. He loved the scent and he said whenever he smelled that, he would think of me and actually want me to be with him right away. From that point on, I realize I have to have a "signature" fragrance in order to make him remember me... or to miss me. (I made perfume sounded like a LOVE POTION!! )

Anyways, right after the breakup, I slowly stopped wearing the Crabtree perfume. I suddenly lost the urge to put on any fragrance. I figure if he doesn't want me, there's no point of me wearing perfume anymore. (Basically if he doesn't want me, I have no urge to do ANYTHING at all.) I was even crazy enough that whenever I passed by a department store at the cologne section, I would smell the cologne he would usually wear whenever we go on our dates. Yes, I know I was pathetic and sad but at that time, I couldn't help it. I missed him a lot. I missed our time together. I missed the smell of him.

As I start to build myself back up, I started to explore other perfumes to see if I can find a new scent I love to make it "my own smell". And I found it.

I'm a LOVE, CHLOE girl now. I hope this scent will bring me some luck in love.