source: weheartit
Wow... I didn't even notice I have not blogged for this long. I think James Blunt had pushed all my troubles away where I don't need to blog my troubles. Let me tell you what I have been up since last entry... (which not much has happened):
- Work was slow because of the crappy global economy...
- Work was so slow I needed to think how to get new business...
- Cold calls daily ... trying to grab new business opportunities...
- None of the cold calls returned but some new customers approach on their own!
- Work resumes...
- One of my friends are going through the exact same thing as I was prior to my move years ago. Hell... I got so worried that she and her boyfriend would end up like me and my ex. I told her whatever she does... don't end up like me and my ex. Now I got her all worried. My bad.
- One of my friends just returned from a month-long trip... and she met a new guy.... they kissed and they hang out a lot... but she has a stable boyfriend here who knew nothing. I felt very bad for the poor guy. (Even if he knew, I doubt he is going to do anything... hmm.... now I don't even know if I should feel sorry for him.)
- I have been taking classes with THE yoga instructor. He is still super sweet as always.... flirty as hell... and I feel a flutter deep inside me but I perfectly understand this is just an infatuation. I guess I crave some attention from a nice guy. I know it's fake but that will do while I'm looking for a new guy.
- I got a brand new handbag (FINALLY!)... broke my bank. That means no more spending til next month.
- The water pipe in my apartment cracked and leaked all over... not all over my flat.... but leaked down to several flats downstairs! This will also add to my "no spending for a month" thing. My flat is totally fine so I don't know why I have to fix it... sigh...
- I've decided to give speed-dating a chance. Haven't tried it yet but my friends are kind of excited to hear that I'm finally stepping out of my comfort zone.... or finally CONSIDER stepping out my comfort zone.
- Secret is out ( I accidentally eavesdropped on my parents while they were chatting with my aunt): Apparently my parents went to a fortune-teller years ago (when I was still with my ex) to ask about when will I get married to my ex. Turns out, I WILL get marry but to another guy, not to my ex (my parents were not surprised because of how his mom was treating me at the time... and they were not too pleased about that)... but not now... later in a few years.... Reasonable, as I need to meet this guy first and then get to know him for a few years before we can get marry. It's about time I need to go out. And the most satisfying thing to hear is, this guy is for keeps. HALLELUJAH!!
That's what have been happening while I'm away. Yeah... it wasn't that exciting but ... that's my life.
I can't say I'm a die-hard fan of James Blunt... but I'm a fan... a screaming fan, actually.
(Yup, I'm 30 and I'm not afraid to admit it!! HA HA~) Went to his show and it blew my mind away. I have seen him in concert a couple times and everytime, I lost my voice screaming.
And now I can't seem to get my act together the whole day. I'm still humming his tunes... all day. My friend who went with me was in awe that I basically sang along all of his songs from beginning to the end... and I lost control when the bass started with this song...
... I started headbanging and the whole arena went crazy. It was sooooo good. I basically screamed all the repressed sadness and frustrations out. It was soooo much fun and needless to say, my friend was in shock to see how "enjoy" I was.
I became a fan when I saw him first time singing "Goodbye my lover" when he was first on tour in Canada like 6 years ago (where my ex bought the tickets for me... to go with someone else... yes, it was weird and I thought it was the weirdest act ever from a guy). Now, same song... same atmosphere... tons of memories pours right in. 6 years ago, everything was different... This time, I bought my own tickets. (HAHA)
"Where are you, momojae? .... Oh! There you are! I love you!"
And I love you too, James!!!!! XOXOXO
The clock just passed 2:15am as I'm writing this. I actually just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm tired and exhausted but I couldn't seem to rest my mind... and I have to work in the morning!!
I woke up because my subconscious has pulled me back down again. It's like a reminder that comes whenever you have nothing on your mind that will cause that same familiar pain, and suddenly re-appear to tell you "this is not over".
We were walking on the same street we used to go through when we go back to his apartment. We were admiring the cool breeze while holding hands and talking about how nice the apartments in this neighborhood and how lovely to be living in these places in the future. A usual stroll we did. I loved to squeeze his hand and said "SQUEEZE!" and he would squeeze back and say the same thing, all the while we carry our conversation. We were silly back then. Then I suddenly do a silly power-walk (which I would always do to see if he will run after me). It would always catch him off guard and he would say, "what the...?" and tried to catch up behind me. He caught up and grabbed my hand tightly, and teased me "Gotcha! I'm not letting you go!! You are not going anywhere... You are mine!! HA HA!"
I woke up. It feels like yesterday we did that little stroll in the neighborhood. I haven't thought of him for quite a while now so why suddenly pull me back again? The past keeps on pulling me back and the pain has kept me missing out the present, and makes me wonder if the future will still be this fragile and vulnerable. I know that he has long-forgotten about all the details between us and it frustrates me why I still have this photographic memory of us that I can't seem to take out as easy as he did. They were sweet memories but they hurt as if being stabbed or betrayed. It's weird because if I'm living these past sweet moments, I should feel happy, but I'm not. I couldn't stop the tears. And it is especially draining when it's after more than one goddamn year...
I'm sick of this and I'm really tired of this. I can be strong consciously by putting my mind full force on work and other things in life but I can't fight when they attack me when my conscious is resting. That's when I'm the most vulnerable.
2:40am... I hope I can get some undisturbed sleep. And let's hope makeup will work its magic and cover my swollen eyes.
source: weheartit
I find I have nothing to say...
Without a relationship, I have nothing to say. It seems like my identity or my thoughts are shaped by the presence of a relationship or lack thereof. After the "lack thereof", I have nothing. I'm back to a "blank state". I have nothing in the "love compartment" in my brain. I guess this is the time where you start off fresh and put new things in again?
But I don't seem to want to put anything in and I have no courage to put things in there again. I kind of like the serenity of my current "spotless mind". No disappointment, no sadness. No need to worry if it will hurt again, no need to worry if promises will be broken again... in a way, this is easier for the mind.
I guess not doing anything saves you from doing it wrong, right?
"I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find..."
- "I need to be in love" by Winterplay
I absolutely love this cover more than the original Carpenter's.
(Perhaps I'm biased because I'm fan of jazzy tunes?) Enjoy :)
Met up with a friend who I haven't seen in years a few days ago.
She will be getting married with her long-time boyfriend next Summer. (This is really not a big news for me anymore as almost half of my friends are married now or getting close to getting married.) She and her fiance are very busy working all the time and there's practically no time for wedding prep. They are both not earning much but both of them are working hard together in order to save up to buy a small apartment. They have to put aside a lot of money for down payments and for the whole wedding where they have no money left for honeymoon. She said they will go when they save enough.
I look at her talking about her wedding matters, I realize she doesn't seem to be as excited as I expected for someone who is about to get marry. She seems nonchalant. She told me the "realistic side" of the marriage has taken the fun out of getting married. It's all about money, decision-makings, planning, deadlines....etc. She envied me where I can still be able to afford to splurge on clothing or accessories whenever I can afford... and be able to afford to take trips whenever I can get away with from work... and be able to spoil my corgi like "he's the king". She envies my singlehood.
I think grass is always greener on the other side. I envy her for finding a man who is willing to take care of her and make a commitment to her. I think that's more satisfying and more valuable than any handbags you own or a closet full of fancy clothes (unfortunately, my closet is full of non -fancy clothes....crap, mainly... I think I need to clear my closet soon... sigh... I digress...).
Thorough dinner, she kept mentioning "We are not young anymore. It's time to get married!" I asked her if she is really getting married because she is ready to be with him as married couple or she wants to get married just because "it's time" to be part of the "norm"? She looked at me and said "I just feel I need to get married now or it'll be too late to have children." (Mind you, she is a couple months younger than me.... she is not even 30 yet.) To be honest, I don't think she is the only one who think this way amongst all my married friends. They get married not because of love, they get married because of TIME. Call me naive but I still think I need to get married to someone I really love... not because of time... not because it is the norm. I'd be lying if I didn't feel pressured to get married but because I have no one in sight or interested so people are trying to set me up with "what's left".... meaning the tiny pool of single guys in our social network. I don't want to feel pressured to date. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe if it's the right time, the right guy will show up. BUT! A lot of my friends are saying I'm being totally unrealistic and really should not be afraid to go into a new relationship. (I will save that topic for another day.)
Anyways, I think that's what my friend say for now because of the pre-marital stress but if we are going to switch, I don't think she would give up what she has right now.
source: weheartit
source: weheartit
Yes, I'm learning to live this way everyday. I'm living towards finding my next relationship, and not living to escape my past relationship. I never really expect there's a difference. But there is.
