Just in case you are wondering....

I'm currently in Vancouver to visit my friends and family  (Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!) ...

... and I'm going to fly out to Phoenix to see my boyfriend and "meet the parents (and all his relatives)" on Wednesday.

Serious?  Yes.

Excited?  Yes.

Nervous?  Yes.

Freaking out?  CURRENTLY, YES.


Wish me luck~  <3

We had our first big argument last night.  I said something in a joking way the day before to tease him but he took it as my misunderstanding to his character.  I then took it personally of him saying my mindset is not being mature... somewhat "rudimentary".  It goes on and on.  We didn't even argue on the phone this whole time but only through texting yesterday.  He said he didn't feel he understands me.  I told him we only knew each other 4 months before he had to leave and we currently only passed 2 of the 4 months of separation.  The foundation was not solid enough and we didn't have much time to spend with each other just prior to departure.  He said that's not good enough of a reason.  Then he started to reason with me.  I am an emotional person... and I am not good at negotiating and reasoning.  I just didn't know how to counter what he said because I know he is right but at the same time, I feel he is being harsh on how he wants me to be.  I started to say things sarcastically "I will watch what I want to say to you from now.  I will filter it before coming out of my mouth."  He said he doesn't want to have a relationship where we cannot talk freely to each other and tell each other how we feel.  I want that too but I don't want the same argument again.  I am a very straightforward person.  I have no filters.  And I thought he would understand by now but now I know he is not a mind-reader and surely he didn't agree with my way of communication.  He said he is disappointed in me, doubting our relationship and how he didn't understand me.

It came to a point where I felt there was really no point in continuing this conversation.  And I asked,

"So... you don't want us anymore?"

After sent that message, my tear came down.  I shouldn't ask that question because I was so afraid to see his reply.  He paused.  My heart was pounding out of my chest but at the same time, I was so drained.  It was 2:45am at that time.

"I do want this... I want US to have a relationship where we both can say what we want and how we feel.  When we text, a lot of meaning gets lost in the mere letters on the screen."

I immediately turned on FaceTime to see him.  He saw I was crying my eyes out and he was quite shocked.

"I still love you, don't worry."  That's the first thing he said on FaceTime.   We both agreed that texting can lead to misunderstanding.  If possible, we should facetime or skype instead, and leave the texting at other times where these 2 options are not possible.  He feels we are both getting a little depressed to be apart for some time.

After all these, it kind of shakes me up that I have to be more strong and independent.  He said he doesn't want me to rely on him and be too dependent.  He wants to build a family while both him and I are strong and brave examples for our kids.

I start to question if I am the person for him.... or the kind of girl he is looking for.  He wants a "business partner-like" woman, where she has complete focus on building her work and having a strong sense of direction of where she wants to be.  I, on the other hand, am a typical Pisces... where I want to be protected and follow my man through thick and thin to support him... building a family based on my love for him and care for my children.  Career and other things will have to take a back seat.

This revelation makes me sad but at the same time, I finally know what I want.  I haven't talked to him the entire day today yet.  He didn't go online and I didn't chase him.  I think after last night, I can feel he  starts to wonder if I'm the one he is looking for and I start to doubt if I am someone suitable for him.

I don't know how things will go.  I will take it day by day.  Tomorrow will mark the 6th month of being together.

It's Christmas Eve here in Hong Kong.  Wish you all a very merry Christmas.

Was planning to squeeze a little getaway with boyfriend before he leaves.  We planned to go to Okinawa, Japan for a 3 days 2 nights mini trip.  Hot damn... it was more than USD1200!!  Needless to say, we got to cancel.

Soooooo disappointed.  I shouldn't have worked up my expectations...  I find a lot of the times, I tend to work up such a high expectation and dream about a perfect scenario... but then when things didn't work out or go as planned, I will fall hard on my own disappointment.

I really need to change this tendency of mine.  I got to keep everything light so when it doesn't go according to plan, I wouldn't be bummed out.

Boyfriend is now thinking of a mini LOCAL trip instead...  sigh....

My boyfriend finally bought his flight ticket.  Originally he wanted to buy a return ticket for returning in April... but then after discussing with his parents, he feels it's best to get a one-way ticket.  I hate the thought of one-way ticket.  It just makes me sad.  But then I have to remind myself, this is the correct thing to do, this is a correct thing to do, this is a correct thing to do...

He is leaving on the 7th of December (as his father's surgery is mid December) and he said he is still planning to come back in April, given his father's condition is more stable by then.  He said if he get a one-way ticket and when it is OK, he can return earlier and just buy a ticket and go.

Anyways, I'm trying to see when my schedule allows for me to go visit him in Phoenix.  Most likely in mid March because my best friend's wedding is in early March... so as a maid of honor, I've got to be here.  

I think having a long distance relationship, it's best and crucial to have a return date to look forward to.  I failed last time because I didn't even have a return date.  This time, I want him to give me a time of return... even though it might be tentative, but at least I have something we both can look forward to.

I just hope his father can recover very very soon.

Hi, I'm still here.  And my boyfriend is still here... not physically besides me but he is still in town.  He is now planning to leave mid November but he has been trying to delay in booking his flight ticket.  I told him that we are doing the right thing and this will be a test for us.  He said he dreaded to go back home because the unforeseeable return date really upsets him.  I told him, at most, it will take 4-6 months for his dad to fully recover.  I told him, let this time apart be a time for him to think things through and think about our future together.

P.S. - We are official boyfriend-girlfriend now.  According to him, I'm his "potential wife".  :)  He is the kind of person who doesn't take relationship too lightly.  He said he will make it "official" when he sees me as someone he will marry.  He just cannot call someone his "girlfriend" if he cannot see marrying.  Let's hope that he will do what he says he would!  

It's been a while since I blogged.  Yes, things are going well and stable with me and C.  We have the same strong feeling towards each other and we enjoy each other's company.  We can make each other laugh and he is very caring at the same time.

But knowing the fact that he might leave sometime soon makes me upset...  It's like, why my relationship always get torn by long distance?  He might need to go back to the States to see his dad who is recovering from a surgery.  His mom wants him to go back to help.  He is depressed as he doesn't want to go but at the same time, he feels the need to be with his parents at this difficult time.  He fears that he might not be able to come back once he left... or he wouldn't know WHEN he can come back.  To me, equally sad.  Of course I never want him to leave but at the same time, I can't be selfish to keep him by my side and let his parents face this time alone.  We are now trying to find a compromise in between.  I just hope that whatever this is, it can be a win-win situation.

We are now taking it day by day, enjoying it while we can.  Very bittersweet each time we see each other.  He is avoiding to face the fact that he needs to go because he will get very very upset.  I sure as hell don't want to bring it up because it will make me tear up.

Feeling sad and at the same time knowing we need to do the right thing, is killing us both.